Friday, September 9, 2011

Reality Is Knocking

Peanut -

I started this post last night, but fell asleep before I could post, it's backdated to reflect yesterday's mood...

This birthday that is coming up on September 12, this 2nd birthday that should have been full of so much activity, fun and excitement, is proving to be much more difficult than Momma anticipated.  While my heart wants to celebrate the joy represented by your birth, this birthday represents something much more devastating.  Finality.  Reality.  A door slamming closed.

While Momma's brain has recognized that you are never, ever coming back, her heart is much more stubborn.  There has been a suspension of belief that has been easy to hang on to...until this weekend.  Your birthday is standing up and shouting with a bullhorn, "The years will continue to turn without Peanut.  Two will become three will become 10 will become 20."

Devastating, indeed.

Peanut, I can picture in my head what you should be doing today.  Tomorrow.  On your birthday.  And that will bring joy this weekend (along with the constant tears).  But a new piece of grief is opening up for Momma.  The reality that this is life - for now, for next year, forever.  Life without you.  And that someday, sooner than expected, I won't be able to picture what you should look like, or what you should be doing.  I'm not sure how to navigate this new road.

For now I find comfort, solace, in living in the moment.  And, in this moment, I send you my heart.  To the moon and back.

- Momma

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