Dadda and I spent a very, very hot afternoon at the St. Louis Cardinals game today. Every piece of the experience brought a bittersweet reminder of you, or, more accurately, the loss of you. Every place Momma looked, there were little blonde boys who looked so much like you. At every turn there were nagging, jagged reminders...we never got to build a Fredbird with you. We never got to buy you a jersey. You never grew into a toddler sized baseball cap. You never even got to throw a baseball.
Now, I wonder...will I ever find true joy again? Will I ever be able to smile or laugh without feeling the pain of your absence? Is it possible to embrace the thought of life moving forward? Will this pain be a brand on my forehead forever? Is it a brand I even want to let go of...or have I embraced it?
Peanut, you brought more joy, more light, to my life than I ever could have hoped to find in the entire span of my lifetime. I now owe it to you, your memory, our family, and to this little Bean growing stronger day by day, to find joy again. I have to recognize feeling happiness is not a betrayal of you, your life, your loss...it is a celebration. That a smile, a laugh, is simply sharing a very special piece of the beauty you opened in my heart.
Tonight, I am balancing the love and the sorrow. The despair and hope. But, in my soul I know the hope is stronger. The love is more powerful - eternal. Peanut, I'm sending you love and kisses...to the moon and back.