The beautiful fall weather arrived in St. Louis literally overnight this weekend. In celebration, Momma opened all the windows, turned off the AC, and has embraced sleeping with the sound of crickets and froggies outside. Unfortunately, the rapid change in weather seems to have also given Momma a pesky, end-of-summer cold.
As I was sniffling and coughing this morning, a powerful series of memories were triggered. It is so odd, so unexpected, what triggers the memories. It hit me like a truck - I haven't had congestion like this since the weekend before you died. I was battling a sinus infection while you were dealing with a runny nose. We were a gooey, nasty pair that weekend! When I wasn't wiping your nose, I was hovering over a giant pot of water in a futile attempt to unblock my sinuses. Every time I put my head over the pot, you watched in wonder and horror - what is Momma DOING? And then I would whip my head back and you would laugh your giant, musical laugh at my bright red face!
We also spent that afternoon watching, and dancing to, The Jungle Book. We played the songs over and over and over again so you could bounce and jive while Momma danced in circles around you. <sigh> I love every single moment of that day.
I also worry. What if my sinus infection somehow made you sick? What if it's my fault you started to run that 100 degree fever on Tuesday? What if that trace of tracheo-bronchitis is my fault? There is still no explanation as to why that little infection, that low-grade fever, resulted in your death the morning of January 26. But still, I can't help but wonder if it's my fault...
Tonight I'm scared that this little summer cold might be hurting The Bean. I know it's irrational. Crazy, even. But, it's real.
Peanut, please watch over The Bean tonight. Please know that Momma is doing everything possible to be healthy and strong. For you, The Bean, Dadda, everyone. I'm sending you butterfly kisses and giant Peanut-style hugs...to the moon and back.
- Momma
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