Monday, September 5, 2011

Courage to Love. Again.

Peanut -

Momma heard this quote today, and immediately connected with it:

"The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering." (Ben Okri, Nigerian author, 1959)

I gave myself permission today to miss you, to cry for you, to sob without reserve, and to just plain wallow in despair.  It may sound odd, but allowing myself to revisit that deep sorrow also allowed Momma to reconnect with the love, the buried memories and the joy of you.  

Not finding space - or giving space - for that raw depth of emotion is almost scarier than riding the roller-coaster.  It is a numb, hollow place.  It is robotic.  And, it is not genuine.  As a protective measure, it is a nice, temporary safe zone.  But, it's not a place Momma wants to stay.

Peanut, you gave me the most precious gift in the world.  Momma love.  You opened my heart to a whole new universe of love.  The depth of that love has also created this intense sorrow, but the two coexist.  I grieve because I love.  To not allow my heart to love again would be would be a jail sentence to live in that numb, robotic place for eternity.

Thank you for teaching me that lesson.  Thank you for showing me that to believe in beauty, necessity, of love is to truly be greater than my suffering.  Thank you for giving me the courage to love again, despite my fears.  Thank you for being Momma's Peanut, the compass of my heart, forever and the moon and back.

- Momma

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