Tuesday, October 4, 2011

When Happiness Makes Me Sad

Peanut -

In the months after you died, Momma found particular comfort in your pictures.  I would immerse myself in the thousands of pictures and videos we took over your short life, remembering every detail of every moment.  The smells, the sounds, the decision process behind your outfits, what made you laugh, what other silly things we did that day...these reminders of our joyful life, the normalcy, your happiness all brought me a sense of peace.

Lately, I've found myself drawn to certain pictures of you, day after day after day.  They tend to be the pictures that captured some of your biggest smiles, funniest expressions...many of them reveal what a huge personality you had, my little Nugget.  I stare at those giant smiles, all those teeth, that effervescence, and I look for answers.  How can the universe create such an amazing, perfect, joyous little spirit only to steal his life away so quickly?  So early?  Too early.  I look for signs in those pictures.  Did we miss something?  Did you somehow know you were only going to be here for a short visit?

Seeing you so happy in these pictures makes Momma incredibly happy, yet terribly sad.  Happy that you had such a wonderful 16.5 months on this earth.  Happy that we have these pictures, these tangible reminders of the light you spread everywhere you went, with everyone you touched.  And that bleeds into what makes me so very sad.  How can that light be extinguished?  How can it be that we won't get to see all the good, the joy, you would have created as you grew older?

I know, I know...Momma makes herself crazy, right?  Peanut, I don't know how to turn it off.  I don't know if this is "normal."  Do other grieving parents walk this same long, twisted mental path?  <sigh>  I just miss you so very much.  So far, this week has been worse than most.  Momma's heart feels like it might be full of lead, it is so heavy.

With a deep sigh and a pool of tears, I send you giant Momma hugs and kisses.  Just know, I'm sad because I love you so much.  To the moon and back.

- Momma

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