This weekend has been painfully sad. And, it's been the worst kind of sad. The kind Momma couldn't - didn't - anticipate. The kind of sad that kicks you in the stomach just as you're taking a breath of fresh air, admiring the cloudless, blue sky day. I knew Halloween would be a hard day, but the weekend before? Nah.
Wrong.
Dadda and I tried to spend yesterday running errands, only to find ourselves trapped in stores hosting large Trick-Or-Treat and costume party events. Children in their costumes, running around with pumpkin baskets, posing for pictures with their parents, taking delight in the novelty of their hats, outfits, special shoes. We saw sock monkeys, bengal tigers, pirates, princesses, scary monsters, and fuzzy puppy dogs. Adorable and debilitating. The tears were unavoidable, unstoppable. Persistent.
If you were here with us this year, what would you be? A superhero? A cartoon character? Hmmm...I think you would have been a lion. Well before January 26, I thought of you as my "little lion man" - a phrase brought to mind by the popular Mumford & Sons song. It was just so fitting, with your ferocious hugs, booming laugh, wild head of blonde curls. Momma's vivid imagination allows the bittersweet projection of you at age 2 in your costume, hamming it up with little growls and hand swats, your blue eyes glowing with mischief.
Peanut, we were blessed to have you with us for two Halloweens. Last year was so much fun, seeing you in your froggy costume with its giant orange and green feet, and bulging-eye hat. When I bought that costume I thought of all the years and Halloweens to come...appreciating the joy of the moment, but never once considering we might lose it all.
Halloween kicks off the start of a long, two month holiday season. A season I'd like to ignore. Can I opt out of November and December this year? Is that an option? Peanut, I honestly don't know how I'm going to survive Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas without you. For the health and safety of The Bean, I must find a way. Here's hoping I can find a way for my head to reason with my heart.
Allowing my heart to win the battle tonight. Sending you love, butterfly kisses and bright green froggies. To the moon and back.
- Momma
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