Monday, October 10, 2011


Peanut -

Momma is shamelessly borrowing a phrase she saw on Facebook last week:

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.

The minute I saw this, it resonated with me.  I've had a lot of very personal reactions to people telling me they can't believe how "strong" I've been through the loss of you, then the loss of the Baby Bean, and now finding a way to survive and rebuild a life and family.

My primary reaction has been, "What's the alternative?"

My secondary reaction, "The alternative is not an option."

Whether I've been strong or not is up for debate.  What is true and pure and non-negotiable - there have been no alternatives that are palatable to me.  That would honor you and every lesson you taught me  So, the phrase above captures it perfectly.  If what I've done these last months is strength, so be it.  It was the only choice I gave myself for you.

Peanut, I cry because I love.  I survive because I love.  I try to imagine a future - a future different than what I ever wanted or imagined - because I love, and that love has given me hope.  The root, the source, of my love?  You.  My Peanut.  My Little Nutbrown Hare.  I love you, to the moon and back.

- Momma

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