Earlier this week Momma had an interaction that knocked her off her feet. In a good way. It was a conversation that showed me that while there are no "right" or "wrong" ways to navigate the treacherous waters of grief, there are paths that are more gentle, kind and insightful than others.
I had a meeting with someone I've known at work for several years on a work/acquaintance level. And, while I've been in other meetings with this person over the past several months, this was our first one-on-one meeting since January. Since we lost you.
For Momma, behavior at work is very controlled. I try very hard to stay focused on work-related topics, and to make sure others aren't too terribly uncomfortable around me. There is an awareness that a dark cloud seems to hover over me, or possibly a brand on my forehead, a shadow on my face...something that reminds people, "She is broken. She has suffered a loss no one recovers from. Her son died. And no one knows how or why..."
Before I could even launch into my work-mode spiel for this meeting, I was interrupted. My co-worker launched a pre-emptive strike! He first congratulated me on our pregnancy with The Bean. Then, he acknowledged he knew I had lost a child - my son - in January. But, after that, confessed he didn't know much else. With a nervous intake of breath he asked, "Would you mind telling me about your son? About...Connor?"
Pause. Silence. And, a giant smile from Momma. He spoke your name. And, in doing so, gave me permission to talk about my favorite subject. YOU.
I asked, "So....do you want to know what happened? Or...are you asking to learn more about him?"
The glorious response? "I'd love to hear about him. The pictures on the card you sent after the Memorial Service were amazing. You can tell me as much - or as little - as you want."
Peanut, we had a wonderful, brief conversation about you and your amazing personality, smile, presence, light. And, at the end of the conversation I heard this, "It seems the universe or some larger presence is really sending you a message in this pregnancy. It definitely seems like Connor has a hand in this all. Doesn't it?"
Why, yes. Yes, it does.
Peanut, I learned a lesson in human kindness this week from a very unexpected source. There is something to be said for asking "the question." Because, to my broken heart and wounded mind, it sounds like The Best Question Ever.
Missing you with a heavy heart this evening. With Momma love and kisses...to the moon and back.