Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Welcome Home

Peanut -

We got to welcome Froggy, Elmo, Moo Moo and all your bedding home today with a big, "Hi! We've missed you!"  It is so hard to see those items without you attached to them.  But, it also feels so right to have them back here.  Home.  The worst realization was that these items no longer smelled like you.  For some reason, I thought they would.  Even the onesie you had on the morning you left us smelled like the cardboard box mixed with a pizza parlor.  Heartbreaking.

I titled today's post "Welcome Home" for another reason.  And, I leave to the reader to choose what you think/believe.  The depth of my grief has been very deep over the last few days...hopeless at times.  And, over the last two months, I have had moments of intense guilt.  Guilt over not being able to protect my little boy from an unknown killer.  Guilt for still living.  Guilt for knowing I have to think about life without Peanut.  It has been paralyzing recently.

At 4:47 am this morning I was tossing and turning in bed with my mind racing, and felt a giant hug around my neck.  I thought it must be my husband trying to comfort me, so I tried to shake myself awake.  In the dim grogginess, I realized Shaun wasn't in the room.  I saw a young man dressed in white standing next to the bed, praying over me while I still felt what was truly a Connor-Hug.  As soon as I blinked my eyes, it was all over.  But peace, serenity and the feeling that, "It's going to be OK" fully consumed me.  And love.  So much love.  And the belief that Connor visited me along with his own guardian angel.  He's not alone. <relief>

Make of it what you want.  I am not searching for a solution.  Just embracing that hug, love and peace.  Peanut, thank you for visiting me and helping me get through this difficult day.  I love you - BEYOND to the moon and back.

- Momma



  1. I so believe that Connor knew how hard today would be on you, and he wanted to let you know that he was okay! God Bless you today and every second of every day without your Peanut!

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  3. Lynn,

    I never met your Peanut, but I know what a wonderful person you are (and I'm sure the peanut didn't fall far from the plant :-), and I from what you've shared about your little guy, I can see what an exceptionally loving little guy you shared with this world.

    Your posts bring tears to my eyes, yet they are so full of love and beauty, that I read on. Today is no exception...

    May you continue to be blessed with an open mind and heart and may Connor continue to grace your life with peace and love.

    Sarah Gwillim Mansholt

  4. What an amazing moment! I'm so happy for you!! I believe!!

  5. Wouldn't it be cool if it was Scott that was there?

  6. I truly believe that everyone wants Peace for the two of you. The living and those that have passed. I am sure this was a sign that Connor is at Peace and is still with you every moment of every day. You two are loved!

  7. I finally had the chance to sit down and read your blog. I hear so many wonderful memories of Connor throughout the week and I love being one of your "safe people" that you can share your stories of his visits with because you know I believe. As I finally read this, in the quiet of my own home, tears are streaming down my face. You will never know how much I long to take away your sadness. I do know that Connor will continue to visit you and watch over you as long as you keep your heart and mind open to the possibility. Sweet dreams, my dear friend.

  8. Lynn -

    What a beautiful moment. I think what you felt and saw was deinitely a sign from your Peanut. I'm sure that you'll continue to get signs from him - just be open to them as they'll happen in the most random moments. In the first few months after my mom passed, I would often feel her presence -mostly when I was in Perrin's room, rocking her to sleep.

    Your blog posts have been so poignant and moving - and I sense that they are also helping you work through your grief. I can't begin to imagine the pain that you are going through and I hope that you are able to find some comfort.


  9. I wanted to share this prayer with you as my sister in-law found it and it has brought much comfort for her and myself....

    I give you this one thought to keep-I do not sleep.I am a thousand winds that blow,I am the diamond glints on the snow.I am the sunlight on ripened grain, I am the gentle autumn rain.When you awaken in the morning's hush,I am the sweet uplifting rush of birds in circled flight.I am the soft starlight that shines at night.Do not think of me as gone-I am with you still each new dawn.

    Native American Prayer