We got to welcome Froggy, Elmo, Moo Moo and all your bedding home today with a big, "Hi! We've missed you!" It is so hard to see those items without you attached to them. But, it also feels so right to have them back here. Home. The worst realization was that these items no longer smelled like you. For some reason, I thought they would. Even the onesie you had on the morning you left us smelled like the cardboard box mixed with a pizza parlor. Heartbreaking.
I titled today's post "Welcome Home" for another reason. And, I leave to the reader to choose what you think/believe. The depth of my grief has been very deep over the last few days...hopeless at times. And, over the last two months, I have had moments of intense guilt. Guilt over not being able to protect my little boy from an unknown killer. Guilt for still living. Guilt for knowing I have to think about life without Peanut. It has been paralyzing recently.
At 4:47 am this morning I was tossing and turning in bed with my mind racing, and felt a giant hug around my neck. I thought it must be my husband trying to comfort me, so I tried to shake myself awake. In the dim grogginess, I realized Shaun wasn't in the room. I saw a young man dressed in white standing next to the bed, praying over me while I still felt what was truly a Connor-Hug. As soon as I blinked my eyes, it was all over. But peace, serenity and the feeling that, "It's going to be OK" fully consumed me. And love. So much love. And the belief that Connor visited me along with his own guardian angel. He's not alone. <relief>
Make of it what you want. I am not searching for a solution. Just embracing that hug, love and peace. Peanut, thank you for visiting me and helping me get through this difficult day. I love you - BEYOND to the moon and back.