Today's posting is an early one, because I have so much on my mind. We had so many reminders of you yesterday - a little boy who bore a striking resemblance to you celebrating his second birthday party. He was even wearing your same little Stride Rite shoes. Another little guy who was just getting his walking legs bopping around. He had your same funny, purposeful penguin march. So unsteady yet confident.
I also got to watch a little boy reading a book with his grandmother. It was such a sweet reminder of the Mondays you spent with my parents. You read lots of book with grandma, explored the yard with grandpa (and watched fishing shows!), and was the king of their world on those Mondays.
You were a fan of books from Day One since we constantly read to you. As you got older, you started choosing your books for me to read, then you tried to read them all on your own. So independent. During the day it was always either The Very Hungry Caterpillar or One Fish, Two Fish. However, you had limited interest in the WHOLE book. Just certain parts. In particular, the two page spread in The Very Hungry Caterpillar where his Saturday bingefest is outlined in detail (one slice of swiss cheese, one sausage, etc.). You would point to each picture and look at me to repeat what it was. Over and over and over. Cherry pie. Cherry pie. Cherry pie. Cupcake. Cherry pie. Then you would laugh and laugh with your little head thrown back. It was in those moments I might have loved you most because I saw so very much of me in you.
Now that we're past the 2-month mark people are telling me it's time to move on, time will heal, it's just mind over matter. If only it were that easy. Mind over matter...I could ace that. I have all the information and facts. But this is my heart and soul. They have their own very specific, difficult healing process and I'm nowhere near the "upswing." It ebbs and flows. Some days are better than others. But I still have this gaping hole in my heart with ragged edges. The most I hope for at this point is for those edges to begin to smooth. But, this scar will remain forever a part of me, just like you.
Peanut, I long to hold and breathe you in again. In your absence, I hang on to the memories. And, they are all wonderful. Thank you for being such a joyful, happy presence.
I love you, Peanuckle.
- Momma
Lynn,I can't tell you enough how amazing you really are! I think this is a wonderful way to work thru your pain. Time doesn't heal the wound, you just learn to live with it. I can not pretend to know what you are going thru, but the devastating loss of Todds brother is still pa
ReplyDeletepainful
. But we have learned to live with the pain and we talk about Sco
tt everyday! The memories are so important. We talk to his beautiful daughter, Antoinette about him when we are together and she loves our stories of her daddy. You and Shaun are pillars of strength and I admire you both. Thank you so much for sharing your letters to Peanut!! I love you!!! Praying for you all everyday.
Lynn,
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful blog! I love all of the pictures...Connor's happy, playful personality shines through in all of them. I appreciate your honesty with your emotions (as you sad in an earlier post...regardless of how it makes the reader feel.) If I may be honest, I very strongly feel that it is never time to move on. Yes, the edges will get smoother. As you said yesterday, you will always have Connor on your mind and in your heart.
Thank you for allowing us all to share in Connor's memories and expereience a small portion of your grief.
Kristen Andersen
Lynn, you are so right, I can imagine him laughing just like you, head thrown back mouth open wide. He was his momma's goofy, playful, funny son:)
ReplyDeleteMy son loves that book as well and I hope you just take your time as there is no certain time frame that you need to
ReplyDelete"move on" ..I hope you can find some sort of peace and comfort as you have truly inspired and helped so many people with your strength and courage and love.
Stefanie