Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Who's In Charge of the BBQ In Heaven?

Peanut -

Since your death, I have had an unshakeable belief that you are in heaven, surrounded by love.  Even in the earliest days of raw, overwhelming grief, I found comfort in that belief, that firm knowledge.  Several people have asked where that belief comes from - in particular, friends who have suffered their own losses over these last months.  In short, it comes from you, Peanut.  From a dream I am convinced you and our family sent in the days after your memorial service.

In this dream I was at a picnic on a sunny, blue-skied afternoon, surrounded by hundreds of people seated at long tables with benches. As I looked around, I realized I knew EVERYONE in attendance. It was my entire family, spanning generations and generations. While I didn't know all the names or faces, my heart understood.  

At the table closest to me, on the left, I saw all my grandparents, with you perched on my grandma's lap. Next to the table was my funny, talented musician uncle, jamming away at the piano while the crowd listened, sang, clapped and laughed. Everyone's attention was focused on you - on welcoming you, giving you hugs, watching you with delight.  And there you were, in the spotlight, glowing with joy, a full wattage smile beaming on your face.  Glorious.

My time at this picnic wasn't nearly long enough.  I only got to stay for a short bit...the family wouldn't let me linger.  It wasn't my time.  They allowed me visit to let me know you were OK.  Cared for and surrounded by family.  And I cried and cried because I wanted to stay in that happy, joyful place with my Peanut. 

When I woke up, my face wet with tears, I knew more firmly than I have ever known or believed anything before, that you are not alone. That you are surrounded by love.  That you will al be there waiting for me to join the music, the party, someday.  Until that day, I am sending you Momma love and the moon and back.  

I miss you, Peanut.

- Momma

1 comment:

  1. I am a new reader to your blog and am in awe of your strength and resilience after such a devastating loss. What a special little guy your Peanut is, beautiful and courageous too, just like his Momma! Your heart and love comes through in every word you type, your sentiments are beautiful and I hope cathartic as you pull them out of your head and type them on the screen. This entry brought tears to my eyes thinking about the wonderful sign that Peanut and your family sent you after his passing. I am sitting here crying for the joy in that moment of confirmation that Peanut is well and happy and also for the sadness that your reality is that you are not currently together at the party. Grief is such a roller coaster and in those moments of sadness, I hope with all of my heart that joy shines through time and time again.

    I am a huge believer in signs and what you described was absolutely beautiful and touched my heart.