First, let me confirm - YES, something looks different. Momma reverted back to an old template for the blog. After months of test driving Google Blogger's "Dynamic Views" format, I am responding to reader feedback. While the Dynamic View was pretty, and allowed readers to see more photos, it really crippled the usability of the blog. Readers (including Dadda) were no longer able to follow the blog, sign up for e-mail delivery, easily post comments, or view the blog from many mobile devices. I hope the change in format is more reader-friendly!
Earlier this week Dadda and I were out running errands and we passed the Oberweis store. For those who aren't from the St. Louis area, Oberweis produces some of the most amazing ice cream, milk and lemonade in the WORLD. Bold statement, I know, but I'll stand by it. They also have a phenomenal delivery service, and only sell their products in reusable, glass containers. This quality comes at a price, which means you only invest if you're a serious milk consumer.
When it came time to transition you over to milk, beginning at 1-year, Dadda and I decided to make the Oberweis investment. While it was more money, more work, more effort, it was beyond worth it for our Peanut. Not only did you adore their super-rich, creamy whole milk, it also gave us an excuse to buy their chocolate milk!
I know this sounds odd, but I find an overwhelming sense of comfort in the memory of these decisions. Peanut, you were and are SO LOVED. There wouldn't be any old, run-of-the-mill milk for my Peanut. No way. We're buying the "good"milk. Silly, right? Maybe.
These are the kinds of decisions that make me reflect on the insanity of this world. Dadda and I worked so hard to make sure you wanted for nothing. That you were showered with love, adoration, education, family, friends. We would have given our lives one hundred million times over to allow you to live, grow, prosper. As an older Momma, I recognized every single day just how lucky I was to have you. Despite all of that, you were still ripped away from us at just 16 1/2 months of age.
Early in our grief I kept asking, "Why us?" I was so confused, so angry. With all the people who abuse, neglect, mistreat their children, why were WE targeted? What kind of universe, what kind of higher power, thinks this is right?
Then, another bereaved parent, one much further down the path, turned the question around on Momma. He looked at me and said, "Why NOT you? Would you honestly wish this on anyone else?"
The short answer is, "No." Not long after that conversation, Momma started this blog. Because, Peanut, I believe we must do something good, positive with your life...and, sadly, your death. Your life was too special, too precious, too beautiful, too full of sunshine and love for us to do anything different.
Peanut, as I review postings from last spring and summer and compare them to today, I see the change in Momma and her grief. The progress. It's hard not to feel guilty. Not only am I still here, but I'm living with hope and happiness again. Is that a betrayal of you? No. It is a tribute to you. It is because of you. It is the inner circle of your Peanut Effect - your Momma, getting the chance to be a Momma to your little brother, sharing stories about you, and bridging the two worlds.
When the time comes next winter for us to make the milk decision again, I know Dadda and I won't have any decision to make at all. We'll go for the "good" milk.
Peanut, sending you a giant forehead bump and a Momma-style neck nuzzle tonight. (You know what I mean.) I love you soooooo much. How much? To the moon - and back!