Last night Momma got a full dose of missing you. While looking for items to entertain a young guest at our house, I found myself bringing out a number of your favorite toys. Not just any toys, but the toys you played with in the last weeks of your life. Toys I hadn't touched, played with or activated in over a year. Oh boy.
For Christmas 2010 Momma bought you loads and loads of toys. Many of them were meant for you to grow into, since I thought we had forever in front of us. Since you adored books, I purchased a Leap Frog story book that ran through the entire alphabet and was probably a little advanced for your your age. Each page included buttons for every letter of the alphabet, and it also told a sweet story. The last page of the book featured a button that sang the entire alphabet song. That particular button was like Peanut crack. You found it within hours of receiving the book, and its Siren Song forced you to always turn to the last page the minute we brought the book out.
Peanut, I'm not sure if you ever let that poor button sing you the full song. I'm pretty sure we never got past the first half of the alphabet, because you would always hit the button over and over and over and over and over. A. A, B. A. A, B, C. A. A, B, C, D, E. A. A, B.
Momma had forgotten about that book, and its sweet, warbling song, until last night. Even when I brought the book our for our guest, I didn't think about the song. The button. The memories. And then I heard it. It felt like a towering brick wall collapsing around me, allowing the pain and grief to rush in like a tidal wave. I had no warning. I was totally unprepared. The sadness lumbered into the room and sat on my chest like an elephant, and is still there today.
Peanut, someday your brother will play with that book and I know I will feel joy. Until then, I feel sadness, loss, heaviness. For now, I can only think, "Peanut should be playing with that...doing new things, discovering the world."
I know you're in heaven singing the alphabet song, playing with your favorite toys, and reading loads of books. It's just...I want you to be doing all those things here. On earth. With me. <sigh> Oh, how I miss you. It's just indescribable. So, I will simply say I love you, Peanut. To the moon - and back.