Earlier today Momma had a "life is good" moment. One of the first ones since your death. And, much to my surprise, I wasn't overwhelmed with guilt. Maybe because I felt your hand, your presence in the moment. It was the kind of loud, noisy, family moment that might drive other people nuts. Henry and Zeke were chasing each other around the dining room and knocked a chair over, a home improvement show was blaring on TV, and The Bean was working up to a full volume cry while Dadda tried to clear mucus from one of his tiny nostrils with the "booger sucker." The house felt full of life, energy. Family. I looked around the room with a grin and focused on a picture of you. There you were, gazing out from the frame with your funny little smile. I felt you whispering to me, "See Momma? I've got this covered."
In addition, I got a very subtle, wonderful sign from you tonight.
Background: I've been dreading some of the "second firsts." Basically, getting back into our old routines. Routines we established with you, that we will naturally fall back into with your little brother. One of those routines includes some of your favorite shows on Nick Jr. While we never watched a ton of television with you, there were particular shows Dadda and I endorsed. Some fell into our Favorites category because of their emphasis on music, singing and dancing. Yo Gabba Gabba. The Backyardigans. Jack's Big Music Show. Other shows simply had a good learning aspect or taught valuable lessons about being a good person, a friend. Wonder Pets is the main example in that category.
But, Momma has avoided turning on Nick Jr. over the last year. I can't bear to watch or even hear the shows, since they bring me right back to the week of your death. But, Dadda turned the TV in our bedroom to Nick Jr. this morning while he was hanging out with The Bean. I was in the shower, so I managed to avoid exposure to the shows...until tonight. I swear, I KNOW I changed the channel. Yet, somehow it was still on Nick Jr. And, Wonder Pets happened to be airing. Before I could change the channel I saw the episode was about an inchworm and his caterpillar best friend. The caterpillar had disappeared into a cocoon, much to the dismay of her inchworm friend. The Wonder Pets counseled him to be patient, that his friend would re-emerge, but might be different. Sure enough, the cocoon started to move, opened up and and TA-DAAAA! A beautiful butterfly appeared. Without even thinking, I heard myself say, "Well, hello Peanut. I get the message...loud and clear."
Maybe you are seeing and feeling just how much I miss you. That my low periods are less and less frequent, but also more powerful. That every delightful moment with The Bean reminds me of you - the joy but also the loss. Loss of time. Of future. Of you.
Just know, I see you. I feel you. I hear you. I sense you. You are everywhere. In the noise and chaos, the butterflies, the wind chimes, the sighs and smiles of your brother. But, none of this makes me miss you any less. I love you, Peanut. To the moon and back.