Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Remembering All The "Little" Moments

Peanut -

I knew your little brother would bring happiness back into our lives, our hearts.  I knew bringing him into our house would make it feel like a home again.  I knew he would teach me to once again embrace hope - to not fear the future.  But, I never could have guessed how much closer he would make me feel to you.  How every tiny moment with him brings all the memories of our first weeks with you rushing back with powerful, sharp clarity.

And, it is wonderful.

As I sit up feeding him a bottle in the quiet 3:00 am darkness of our house, I remember those same predawn mornings with you.  We would cuddle on the couch, me trying in vain to get a little burp from you while "Cold Case Files" played on TV.  Your brother, just like you, finds comfort snuggling on my chest with his face buried in my neck.  Like you, refusing to burp!

Last week I found myself unconsciously massaging his teeny toes and feet while he napped in my arms.  With each caress, The Bean's toes curled around my fingers then stretched in comforted delight.  Oh Peanut, you and your little feet used to do exactly the same thing.  How could I have forgotten that delightful detail?

And, while The Bean bears an uncanny resemblance to you - in appearance and mannerisms - he is also so totally unique.  At two weeks old, he is already eating almost 4 ounces per feeding.  FOUR ounces!  He is already holding his head up with very little support from Momma.  And, the other night I watched him get himself flipped onto his side, despite the constraints of his Halo Sleep Sack.  Like you, he gets this determined little furrow in his brow until he accomplishes whatever mission he has set his mind to...I fear you both inherited that from Momma!

Peanut, I desperately wish I could watch you with your brother.  I suspect you would be fascinated by this new little life.  I can picture you gripping his tiny hand, stroking his fuzzy little head, and rubbing his toes.  However, I suspect you are doing all those things from heaven.  And, I suspect you come here to visit every chance you get.  Already, there are times when I see your brother gazing over my shoulder with a knowing little smile on his face...I'm pretty sure he's looking at you.  He stares at the pictures of you with such an intense gaze that I'm convinced he already knows you well.

More than anything, I now know in my heart that you aren't mad or jealous of this new presence, this new brother.  That you had a big hand in him being here.  That you are more present thanks to his arrival.  That he is bringing you back to us in ways I didn't even realize we had forgotten.  For all these things, I am intensely grateful.

Peanut, you continue to teach me how to be a better Momma and a better person every single day.  Sending you love and thanks across the universe and the the moon and back.

- Momma

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