Earlier this week Momma placed an order with Diapers.com for some little items we've been needing for The Bean. In the back of my mind, I knew I hadn't ordered with them in over a year, but I really hadn't processed what that meant. Until, of course, I went to the site and realized waaaaaaaay back in the day I created a user account - and it remembered me.
In its overly cheerful, customer-service friendly way, their home page instantly asked if I wanted to use "My Lists" to re-order items from the past. You know, items like your Jungle Frog Halloween costume. And, the bright green froggy bath tub mats we bought after your slip-n-slide incident in the whirlpool tub. Agh...what a dagger in my heart. This innocent tool, meant to make my shopping experience easier, was just cruel.
To add insult to injury, the site remembered YOU as well. Apparently, when Momma set-up her user account, she entered your name and age. Well, Diapers.com was more than happy to give me recommendations for my 29-month old son. It seems I should be looking to buy you a potty training seat, and all kinds of helpful potty training tools. Funny, because I always figured we would have done that months ago, around the time you turned two.
Later, as I was completing my purchase, the site asked me if I wanted to update my user account - then it took me to my profile page. There it was. A box labeled, "My Family." And one little boy, Connor, listed as 29 months old. The box asked if I wanted to add a child. Of course I do. So The Bean is now added to our family list. The box also asked if I wanted to remove or edit any of my children.
No. I do not.
Maybe it's denial. Maybe it's a little white lie Momma chooses to tell her heart. But, I have two sons. I will always have two sons. Peanut, maybe I can't buy you any more Jungle Frog costumes. Maybe you don't need those froggy bath mats any longer. But, you are still my son, very much alive in my mind and heart. I will always enjoy thinking about what you should be wearing, reading, playing with at each stage of your life. You will always be listed as part of My Family on those accounts.
To my oldest son. My Peanut. My Connor. I miss you, and I love you sooooooooo much. To the moon and back.