Today is Valentine's Day. A day Momma never really paid attention to before the miracle of you. But then, I became a Momma. And this day that celebrates love took on a whole new meaning. It came to symbolize the fierce, selfless, unconditional love I felt for you the moment I felt the first flutter, the first kick, felt your tiny fist for the first time, and gazed into your blue, blue eyes.
We only got to spend one Valentine's Day with you, in 2010. It was such a sweet day, capped off with a wonderful heart you created at school (OK, at 5 months old I'm sure your teachers did a LOT of the heavy lifting!) that was framed around your little footprints. That laminated heart became the sign for your bedroom door at home, announcing the door was the entry point to CONNOR'S ROOM! It was also one of the last, hardest and most heart-breaking items we removed after you died. I so wanted to keep it posted on your door forever.
Today, Valentine's Day, I reflect on the love lessons I have learned from you, my Peanut. And from your new little brohter, The Bean
Peanut, from you I learned how to become a Momma. To love another person, my child, above all else. I learned that grief is boundless, but love is stronger. More eternal. And, I have learned that both can live side by side in your heart.
From your brother I have learned how to hope and feel happiness again. I have felt the rhythm of motherhood return to my blood and bones. I have felt my heart, brain and soul heal and form lovely, durable scars.
From both of you I have learned there is no right or perfect way to love and be a Momma. I have learned that the picture window of my soul, while shattered into thousands of razor sharp pieces, has been reconstructed into something fragile, yet beautiful. A mosaic that in the eyes of heaven looks like a giant, beautiful butterfly. That, much like the Hungry Caterpillar, I have been transformed by my two boys. My sons.
It is truly remarkable what we can learn when our heart is open...
Crying tears of boundless love for you tonight. I love you, Peanut. To the moon and back.