Waking up on Christmas morning without you ranks in the "Top 5 Hardest Things Momma Has Had To Do This Year." This day is sad, empty, hollow without you. Yet, I feel The Bean kicking and pushing, anxious to greet the world, and I feel a sense of hope. I never imagined a Christmas without you, but I know you are here with us in spirit.
Before having you, Christmas was a day to open gifts, eat with family, and celebrate. After you were born, Christmas became 100% about making sure you had a wonderful, fun day. And now...well, I don't know what to do with myself this year. Besides, simply getting through the day.
(Spoiler Alert for Family)
Dadda and I decided to take the focus away from presents this year, and to instead focus on honoring your wonderful spirit for the holiday. Along with your beautiful Peanut Tree, we created a 10-minute movie all about YOU and your 500 amazing days on this earth. This movie has been our project all week...it has been joyful, painful, inspirational and difficult to create. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to watch it without crying, but I also know it is something I will be proud to share with The Bean. Each member of our family is receiving a copy of the movie - and I have shared it in today's post.
In addition, we are donating the money we would have spent on gifts to SUDC, in your memory, in the names of each of our family members. It just feels...right. This year, the Peanut Christmas Spirit is all about honoring you and all the people and organizations who have helped us survive and remember how to live.
Peanut, there is nothing I can say today that isn't going to feel devastatingly sad. I miss you. Desperately. I love you more than words can express. To the moon and back!