Last year, throughout the holidays, Momma would subject you to her rendition of Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas" - over and over and over again. This often happened while we were in the car, when I had you as a captive audience. Peanut, to your credit, you were a very receptive, appreciative audience. You would smile, laugh, clap your hands and bang you little feet to the beat of the song.
You also knew I was singing that song about YOU! Sometimes I would sing it to you in the house, and I'd pick you up, swing you around and hold you close to my cheek so you understood you were the only thing I wanted for Christmas. The gift of a lifetime.
This year, the music has left Momma. I can't sing it, and really can't even listen to it. As much as I love the memories, the song now feels so empty. It has a different, sad meaning. The same, but different. Because, you really are all I want for Christmas. And beyond.
I wish I were shopping for you this year. I wish I could see you open a gift. I wish I could see you marveling over all the Christmas lights. I wish I could take you to see Santa. I wish I could create a "happy family" holiday card.
Instead, we will decorate a Peanut Tree in your honor this weekend. Instead of a traditional tree skirt, we are using one of your personalized baby blankets. A small statue of a sleeping baby angel is now resting under your tree.
Instead, we will light a candle in your honor at 7:00 pm on Sunday, December 11 - part of the 15th Annual Worldwide Candle Lighting Ceremony:
The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting unites family and friends around the globe in lighting candles for one hour to honor and remember children who have died at any age from any cause. As candles are lit at 7 p.m. local time, creating a virtual wave of light, hundreds of thousands of persons commemorate and honor the memory of children in a way that transcends all ethnic, cultural, religious, and political boundaries.
Peanut, as we light your candle that evening, Momma might just sing a little bit to you, for you. And maybe others will a light a candle in your memory, and in remembrance of other children who have died, at 7:00 pm.
All I want for Christmas...is you. Loving you and missing you - to the moon and back.