Friday, December 16, 2011

5 pounds, 1 ounce

Peanut -

Momma had what will probably be our final Bean ultrasound today.  At 35 weeks, we actually didn't expect to have one this late in the pregnancy, but the doctor thought it was a good idea to check in.  Between early contractions and Momma's low pregnancy weight gain, we just needed to be sure everything was on track.

And, although we never say it out loud, all the doctors and nurses have been so vigilant, so full of care, so aware of what happened in January.  Losing you broke all our hearts.  So, The Bean is a little beacon of hope for all of us.  We can't - won't - risk anything going wrong.

The primary purpose of today's ultrasound was to check The Bean's current weight.  Momma lost a lot of weight early in the pregnancy thanks to morning sickness layered over grief, and has been working to gain that weight back the last 6 months.  With little progress.  No surprise, given the emotions, the stress, the sorrow, the roller-coaster Momma has been navigating during this pregnancy.  While we know The Bean is strong and active, Momma's pre-term labor issues have prompted us to make sure everything would be safe if he decides to arrive early.

As expected, The Bean looks perfect and healthy and strong.  Of course, he wouldn't be still for more than a few seconds, kicking, punching Momma's bladder, grabbing his little toes with his tiny hands.  We had our favorite technician, who took the requisite pictures, but also showed Momma and Dadda all sorts of neat things - The Bean has a lot of hair!  And we could see him swallowing, followed by his infant tummy filling up with fluid.

The end result of the ultrasound was the final report of The Bean's weight.  As of today he is officially 5 pounds, 1 ounce.  Exactly your weight at birth on September 12, 2009.  It's unreal to me to think that he's still (probably) a few weeks away from birth, but is currently your birth size.  With every passing day he will gain more weight, and will be a bigger boy than you.  He will not be an itty-bitty Peanut.  He will be his own strong, feisty self.  A kicking, punching, jumping Bean.

But, in this moment, in this day, you and your little brother have so much in common.  Such a connection.  With your identical weights, full heads of hair, and active personalities.  And 5 pounds and 1 little ounce.

Peanut, I truly feel like this was you speaking to us today.  Another sign that you are watching out for us and The Bean.  Another sign that you love us and bless this step forward.  And, while it is bittersweet, it is more sweet than bitter.  I am sending you love and hugs and oodles of wonderful Peanut memories.  Thank you for being so close, so present today.  I love you baby boy - to the moon and back.

- Momma


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