Earlier this week Momma opened a fortune cookie looking for a witty phrase or, perhaps, some terribly wise statement. What I got was this: There is nothing lost or wasted in this life. Huh. Huh? Huh...
Momma's brain has been stuck on that little fortune for days. Nothing lost or wasted? What about my Peanut and his life that was cut too short? What about all my love, now transformed into heartache? What about all your future potential? What about the intense joy and happiness we discovered after you were born...a bliss that was snatched away in the blink of an eye on January 26, 2011?
Peanut, the majority of Momma's life has been spent 100% focused on one person - Momma. Education, career, travel. These were the priorities. All decisions hinged on what was best for me, and my own future. Somewhere along the way, I got older and started craving home and family. Which brought me back to St. Louis and eventually back to Dadda - the first love of Momma's life. A few years later we got married and decisions became a little more complicated. Then we decided we desperately wanted to start our own little family. In December of 2008 we got pregnant, and to our eternal delight actually discovered we were pregnant in January 2009. Peanut, I was so elated and scared. Scared I wasn't cut out for motherhood. Scared of being too old to have a healthy pregnancy. Scared of just about everything. And then, you arrived. You showed up two weeks early, in September 2009, and changed Momma forever.
For the first time in Momma's life, nothing was about her. You instantly became the center of my life, my love, my heart, my brain. I immediately understood the meaning of unconditional love. Fierce, powerful Momma love. From the moment our eyes met, I knew I would do anything - give anything - for you. Which is a huge part of what makes the loss of you - of a child - so wrong. So insane. Peanut, I would happily have died 10,000 excruciatingly painful deaths to save you. If only death had knocked on my door that morning. If only he had thought to stop and ask, I would have given him anything. Everything. Everything, but you.
So, how does all this relate to that fortune cookie? Here's what I finally realized. Your birth, your presence, your Peanut Effect has led to a Momma who needs a world that is about everything BUT her. A Momma who needs a world that honors you and makes you proud. A world where she can give your little brother all her intense Momma love and wisdom, including the wonderful stories of his big brother. And, in sharing you - through The Bean or through this blog - you will continue to live on and on and on, forever. Your Peanut Effect will echo across this world for eternity.
So, truly, there is nothing lost or wasted in this life. Or beyond. Especially Momma's love for you. It grows bigger, stronger and more powerful every day. To the mooooooooon and back...and beyond.