Sunday, December 18, 2011


Peanut -

When I was pregnant with you - especially towards the end of the pregnancy - I loved to pick up my guitar and strum a few notes, or a Beatles song or two, just to get a reaction from you.  It was obvious you could not only hear the music, but could FEEL it.  You always responded with a somersault, a kick, a little punch.  I truly believe you were born with music in your soul, partially because I sang and played for you so often.

Since your death, I've commented that the music has left my spirit.  The guitar has gathered 11 months of dust.  My voice has not lifted in song, and I have rarely felt compelled to dance.  A few times recently I've thought about picking up the guitar just to see how The Bean might react.  But, I've always banished the thought, stored it back on a shelf, and moved on.

Until this morning.  I was watching the CBS Sunday Morning Show, due to its light-hearted, uplifting format.  Enough with the bad news that makes up the news.  Momma wanted to kick off the day in a more positive light.  In the middle of their second hour, a segment aired about Christopher Plummer, due to his lead role in "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo."  But, the interviewer also focused some time on his role in "The Sound of Music" which has a special place in Momma's heart.  My family used to watch it together every year, and I was fortunate to share part of that movie with you, Peanut.

During the CBS interview, they aired a clip from "The Sound of Music"where Captain Von Trapp rediscovers his love of his children, and music, while singing Edelweiss with his oldest daughter.  He is sitting in their parlor, strumming a guitar and singing this lovely, simple little song (fun fact: not actually Christopher Plummer's voice in the movie).  An overwhelming urge struck me in that moment.  I wanted nothing more than to pick up my own guitar, strum and sing along.

I spent the rest of the morning humming the song.  By this afternoon I couldn't help it.  I picked up the guitar for the first time since you died and played a few notes while I held the body of the guitar close to my tummy.  The Bean responded with an overwhelming reaction - kicks, flips, pokes and punches.  What a delight!

The moment was truly shared with both my little boys.  While I was the only one physically sitting on the bed with the guitar, you were both there with me - in the music, in the song, in my heart.  Little by little, the music is returning to Momma's soul.

Peanut, I feel you everywhere.  More and more every day.  I am sending my love to you, across the world, across the universe, across time and space.  And, in the music.  To the moon and back!

- Momma

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