Friday, December 9, 2011

Erasing Your Fingerprints

Peanut -

This evening Momma tackled a task I've been dreading - postponing - for days.  Let me put this in perspective.  In the last week, Dadda and I have revisited all your books, clothes, your room, crib, stuffed animals.  We've touched and smelled everything.  We've had to make decisions around what to put into Permanent Peanut Storage vs. what to potentially re-use with The Bean.  But, there are two items, two categories, I have intentionally ignored.

The first - your diaper bag. It has been frozen in time, still packed with your size 4 diapers, half empty diaper cream, a container of Goldfish and a smashed NutriGrain bar, spoons and extra toys.  And a special, bright green bib that exclaims, "I'm a McCutie!"  The bib still smells like you.

The second - two bins full of the last toys you played with...most of your favorites.  Toys that are still covered with your fingerprints, saliva, and memories and smells of you.  The last remaining traces of the Peanut Who Lived on this earth.  Traces of you that, once cleaned, are erased forever.

Any sense of bravery, of strength, of courage that I've had this week evaporated this afternoon.  With Dadda's support and help we tackled these items.  Time moved in molasses slow motion as we faced these tasks, and touching each item re-opened a fairly fresh wound.  But, we also got to revisit hundreds of moments and memories of you.

Pulling these items out has been dramatically different from packing them away for storage.  When we organized them for storage, there was no joy.  Just the finality of your death and loss.  Just emptiness and sorrow.  Bringing them out of "hiding" has been bittersweet.  We've been forced to face all the lost hopes and dreams...but the memories have brought smiles.  And, there is the hope of The Bean peaking around the corner.

As I cleaned and disinfected all your toys, and as Dadda sorted out the items from your diaper bag, we realized - this is our life.  We will always have to face these immobilizing hurdles.  Learn to move through them.  And soon - very soon - we will also have your little brother here to share the stories, the laughter.  And, we will get to watch him play with many of your toys.  I will tell him tales of how you read your books all by yourself.  And played your Kitty Kat Piano.  And rode around in the back of the bright yellow Tonka Truck.  Through these toys, stories and books your little brother will get to know you.  Love you.  So, maybe in erasing your your fingerprints, in getting these items ready for The Bean, I'm allowing you to live on in a different way.  That's how I choose to think about it, at least.

Peanut, I miss your smell.  Dadda and I couldn't stop smelling your old bib tonight.  It brought so many tears, so many memories.  I feel so very connected to you in this moment.  I close my eyes, breathe you in and feel you.  In this second I send you all the love in my heart, my soul.  To the moon and back.

- Momma

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