Momma's sleep has been restless and fitful these last few weeks. As The Bean grows there just isn't a comfortable position or a way to get a good night's sleep. I've found the more interrupted my sleep, the more I dream...and lately that has meant more Peanut Dreams. These are wonderful and welcome dreams - possibly brought on by the anticipation of The Bean, the holidays, your looming anniversary. Maybe all of the above.
This morning I was tossing and turning beginning around 4:00 am. I could feel The Bean stretching, turning, kicking and my imagination kicked in while I dozed. In the dream world you and Dadda were up early, eating breakfast together, giggling, and trying to let Momma get some rest. But, eventually the temptation was just too much - the two of you came running down the hall with Henry the Dog in tow, into the bedroom and WHAM! jumped on the bed. You crawled up to Momma's pillow and smothered me with kisses, cupping my face in your tiny hands, "Momma, I love you!" Then, a giant bear hug and a full family snuggle while The Bean kicked, full of happy anticipation.
I know that isn't reality, and never will be. But, maybe a different version is playing out. A version where you are everywhere, but we can't physically reach out and touch you. You are influencing the way we parent, how we appreciate what we have, how we treat others, and how we love. In dreams - and only in dreams - I will get to see you laughing, nose nuggling with me, touching my eyelashes with delight, and touching my soul with your clear, blue eyes.
This version will never, ever, ever feel sufficient. But, I have to learn to appreciate it and live with it. Do I feel cheated? Yes. Am I jealous of all my friends who are watching their children grow up, enjoying all their milestones? Yes. Am I resentful of all the people who are having their second, third, fourth children without any sense of fear? Yes.
Am I thankful for the time, love and memories with you? Yes. Am I eternally grateful for The Bean? Yes. Am I hopeful? Yes. Do I choose to live with love, rather than anger? Yes.
Peanut, I dream of you all the time...awake and asleep. I miss you all the time...awake and asleep. I send you all my love, to the moon and back...awake and asleep.