Your First Haircut

Peanut -

On this day last year - January 8, 2010 - Dadda gave you your first, and only, big boy haircut.  While we adored your long, blonde curls, tangles and knots were becoming a daily issue and your hair was beginning to resemble a toddler mullet.  Not a great look.  So, without fuss or fanfare, Dadda quietly sat with you in the bathtub and set to work while Momma provided a distraction.  In less than 30 minutes, you were transformed from Baby Peanut to Toddler Peanut, with a stylish new 'do.  And, Momma captured an entire baggie full of discarded blonde curls...in hindsight, what a blessing.

Later that morning, I took a series of photos in your bedroom since the haircut made you spirited and full of sass.  We had a total blast crawling around your room, me with the camera, you with your Handy Manny tools in hand, and drool everywhere since you were cutting your last two teeth.

I look at those pictures and see the little man you were becoming.  Your personality shines through in that series of photos - your sly smile, peek-a-boo with the camera, head thrown back with laughter.  I'll never forget taking you to school the following week to have your teachers declare how much older you looked.  It's true.  The haircut transformed you.

Maybe that's why it's become easier for my brain to erase the image of you on the morning you died.  So much about you didn't resemble MY Peanut that morning.  The little boy I clung to in the emergency room, whose body I held through screams, sobs and prayers, who I had to say "good-bye" to forever...that wasn't you.  My Peanut is the funny face with the blonde curls, stuffing Goldfish in his mouth and dragging around his favorite froggy.  That is the Peanut in my brain, memory and heart.

Peanut, I had really hoped your little brother would be born today.  Something seemed so "right" about having his birthday fall on a day that holds such wonderful memories.  Alas, it doesn't look like that will happen.  The Bean is more stubborn than even your Momma, as hard as that might be to believe.

In honor of that wonderful day, the haircut milestone, Momma is sharing the best of the photos from that day.  The wounds in my heart feel especially raw when I view these pictures...I can't fathom this was 1-year ago today.  It defies all logic, and I still can't really grasp that you're gone.  Missing you more than I can express...and sending you all my love, to the moon and back!

- Momma