Remembrance: Two Paths

Peanut -

Right on the heels of welcoming your amazing little brother into the world, we are now thrust into a week of remembrance and reflection.  And, like all the milestones and hurdles we have faced over this last year, how to emotionally process and survive this week has boiled down to two decisions - two very different paths - for Momma:

1 - Allow this 1-year anniversary to cripple me and reduce me to days of tears and sorrow, constantly reflecting on how painful and unfair this loss has been, how much we have lost, how much potential we will never get to see...

or

2 - Spend this week immersed in love...love for my Peanut, love for The Bean, love for Dadda, love for how much I have learned through becoming a Momma, and maybe, just maybe, some form of appreciation for how much I have learned about myself, about life, about parenthood through incomprehensible loss.  Loss of the best, most precious gift this world has had the honor of receiving - you.  My Peanut.

I choose Door Number Two.

I know, I know...it sounds too Pollyanna-ish.  Easier said than done.  Blah, blah, blah.  True, it is terribly difficult to fight through the bitterness.  True, I have cried a lot of tears this week, and every week, every day, every hour since you've been gone.  That will NEVER end.  I will mourn you forever, or, at least until we meet again.

But, I am taking away the power of this week.  Of this milestone.  As Dadda says, we choose to celebrate your life, not your loss.  We will celebrate your birthday every year.  We will rejoice the 500 days we were privileged to spend with you.  But, I will not give January 26 too much control.  Too much power.  We will spend that day in solemn remembrance, and we will visit hundreds of beautiful butterflies in an attempt to get a little closer to heaven - to you.

However, Peanut, you are with us each and every day.  I reach out and can feel your touch.  I close my eyes and see your smile.  I take a deep breath and hear you whisper, "Momma..."  You are helping to heal my soul, my heart, my brain.  THAT is what I choose to remember and celebrate.

Thursday is "the day."  Your Angel Anniversary.  I've debated taking a break from this blog on that day, but, no.  There will be a post full of memories and pictures and smiles and laughter.  Because you wouldn't have it any other way, Peanut.

I love you, my sweet, amazing son.  To the mooooooooon and back.

- Momma