Anticipation

Peanut -

The last few days have been defined by one word: anticipation.

My heart is torn between two worlds of conflicting, yet intertwined emotions.  In one world I am preparing for the arrival of an infant.  A little boy.  The Bean.  A tiny Bean just waiting to sprout.  A Bean who has no idea how much hope he is bringing into this world, this family, this Momma.

In the other world, I am a bereaved parent.  A Momma who desperately misses her Peanut.  A Peanut who taught her the meaning of selfless love, and how to be a Momma above all else.  A Momma who is anxiously watching the calendar approach January 26.  A terrible day.  A day that doesn't deserve the term "anniversary."

Today we made a decision that bridges these two worlds.  If The Bean hasn't been born by our due date, January 17, we will induce on that day.  This will ensure over a week between The Bean's birth date and your Angel Date.  It just seems appropriate.  Right.  You will each have your own place, your own week, in the month of January.  Time carved out to honor you each, in your own individual ways, without confusion.

But, in 2012 I am at a loss.  It will be the first Angel Date for you.  And, we'll be home with a tiny newborn.  Peanut...how do I ensure we honor you, remember you, pay tribute in the midst of all the "newborn-ness"?  How do I give my heart and brain permission to dive into sorrow on that day, knowing I will have a new baby counting on me?

As I anticipate these two giant milestones, I find myself constantly staring at our wall of Peanut pictures while rubbing the Bean Bump.  Every time I think about you, or cry, or look at your pictures, The Bean kicks and moves.  Almost as if he feels the connection between you two brothers and my heart.

Peanut, I hope to dream about you over these next weeks and to get some kind of sign or indication...what will make you happy and proud of us on January 26?  How can we honor a life so full of beauty, light, love and laughter?

I stare at the picture for tonight's posting, and I know you hear me.  I know you're listening and watching. I know you will visit to check on Momma, Dadda and The Bean.  As sure as I know we might never have an answer around what happened or why you died, I know you will show me the correct path for your Angel Date and beyond.  Because, your presence continues to make this world a better place.  Sending you my heart, full of love and tears - to the moon and back!

- Momma