On the day you died, and every day since, I've come to realize we live in a world that truly doesn't make sense. If it did, you would still be here. If it did, we would be living our quiet life, watching our little boy grow up, working hard to make a good living to support our family. If it did, my heart wouldn't hurt so much, leaving me to wonder how I still get out of bed, breathe, function, every single day.
But, the world we live in is a mystery to me. Yet...I've chosen to get out of bed. Breathe. Function. Every single day. I've chosen to live. To make you proud.
Part of this commitment has revolved around work. After your death I went back to work far too quickly, and got sucked back into full-engagement mode before I was ready. Looking back, I can see it so clearly. However, work was a good distraction and gave me a purpose in those first few months. And now I find myself in a place where I've taken on a new, demanding leadership role surrounded by people who either don't know about our family or have already forgotten. And it is...exhausting.
Peanut, I wonder...how can people find joy in working against each other? How is it pleasurable or productive to challenge, question, and create confrontation rather than aim to partner, collaborate, and work towards a common good?
My commitment to make you proud is the reason I took this new role. Momma saw an opportunity to do great work. To make a big, positive impact. To simply do the right work, the right way, for the right reasons. Was that senseless of me? Was I expecting too much sense in this senseless world? Or, am I just expecting too much of either myself or of others?
<sigh> The only thing that makes sense to me tonight is the joy I felt in being your Momma, my Peanut. I look at pictures of you, watch your videos, and I know that part of my world, my life, was the definition of perfection. Sense. My appreciation of the gifts you brought to my life deepens every single day. My appreciation of my love for you grows bigger, deeper, wider, every minute of every day. And my love for you stretches to the moon and back and back and back again.
Missing you terribly.