On the way home from lunch this afternoon, Dadda and I drove past a little karate studio, and I broke into a giant smile. "What's that smile?" Dadda wondered out loud. So, I shared a little piece of my over-active imagination with Dadda, and we both got to share that smile.
You see, Peanut, I always imagined you taking karate classes when you got to be a little older. Your incredible manual dexterity, cautious yet sturdy approach, sense of determination, and Zen-like inner calm had Momma convinced you would be a quick study in most sports, and would take well to something like karate. I pictured you attending classes in a little white outfit, earning your way through the various belt colors, and maybe even watching you in demonstrations and competitions as you grew older. Even today, I can see it so clearly in my head.
Dadda asked if that story, that image I've created, now makes me sad. What's funny is, it doesn't. Maybe it should, but instead it warms my heart and makes me grin. Maybe a part of my head and heart still can't fully believe or comprehend that you're gone and these projected images and stories somehow keep you alive for me. But...it's more than that.
Peanut, I'm going to share something I refer to as a Momma Truth. It is simply something I choose to believe, down to the very core of my being. It's not anything I ask others to subscribe to or believe, it's not based in religion, it's not political. It just is what it is - a Momma Truth.
Momma Truth About Heaven: Peanut, when I think of you in Heaven, I don't picture a God, or angels, clouds, harps, flowing white gowns, or a suspended state of being. I picture you living a full, stimulating life in what is a perfect, happy, parallel universe. In that place you are playing baseball, learning karate, reading books, dancing to funky music, sharing Peanut hugs, and warming the world with your sunshine smile. While you might miss Momma and Dadda at times, you are also present, with us, all the time. You see everything we're doing, and you're by our sides participating. Back in April I wondered via Eric Clapton if you would know my name when I saw you in Heaven. But, now I know...you've never been without me and I've never been without you.
I share all this to try and explain why I smile every time I see a karate studio. It's because when I see you and get to hold you again, I know you'll be a master black belt. And, you'll have lots to teach Momma.
Peanut, I love you sooooo much. I know you've seen how hard the last few days have been, and I also know you sent me that smile today. Sending back to you giant bunches of Momma love, hugs and butterfly kisses. Maybe even an extra-special forehead bump. To the moon and back, my handsome 'Nut!