Thursday, July 19, 2012

SuperPeanutMomma Ring - The Sequel

Peanut -

Almost one year ago Momma posted a letter about a very, very special ring.  Her SuperPeanutMomma ring.  This is a ring that bears your initials and was a treasured gift from Aunt Dru.  Momma wears it every single day, without fail.  This ring holds amazing powers.  Powers of serenity.  Calm.  Love.  Hope.  Sorrow and grief.  Remembrance.

Earlier this week that ring was put to the test.  As I have said many times in recent months, Year Two is hard.  Harder than I imagined.  Different than Year One in so many ways.  Year Two is about dealing with the future.  While Year One is all about not knowing how you are going to survive, how you are going to face another day, Year Two is focused on the fact that you WILL survive and face another day and another and another - all without your child.  All without my Peanut.  It is about making sense of a fact and a future that make no sense.

Year Two is also about learning to create a future surrounded by people don't know or remember your history.  Our history.  People who don't know your Momma as Peanut's Momma.  People who don't know the journey we've been on since January of 2011.

Momma faced the perfect Year Two storm this week, at the tail end of a work meeting.  As Momma has gradually transitioned to her official married name these last few months, there have been a few hiccups.  An occasional botched introduction.  And, that was the case at the beginning of this particular meeting.  As the meeting wrapped, one of the gentleman spotted my SuperPeanutMomma ring, with its giant "M" in the middle.  He laughed as he asked, "Is that to remind you about your married name?  Or, should it actually be turned upside down to represent a W for Wonder Woman?"

Oh Peanut...I was at a loss.  Breathe in.  Breathe out.  Just keep breathing, breathing, breathing.  Just keep breathing.

Assume good intentions.


Walk away.

So Momma held the ring, twisted it quickly and walked away, head held high.  Once I had a moment alone, I kissed the SuperPeanutMomma ring and released a few, small tears.

This is Year Two.  This is The Future.  Without you...

I miss you so much, Peanut, it makes my heart heavy and it almost pains me to breathe.  You are in my mind, my heart, my soul every second of every day.  I love you - to the moooooooon and back!

- Momma

THE Ring: "Connor Patrick Mulholland"

The Pickle and the SuperPeanutMomma Ring.  My boys...close together.

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