Monday, July 2, 2012

Little Joys = Great Hope

Peanut -

Tonight a fortune cookie taught Momma a lesson.  Well, a fortune cookie plus your smily, silly little brother.  Together they teamed up to remind Momma to take a breath, relax, smile, and appreciate what we have while honoring all we have lost.  To not get so mired down in sadness and depression that I can't see the love that surrounds me.

A simple phrase on a tiny piece of paper inserted into a hard, sugary cookie: Sharing little joys offers great hope to others.

What has Momma down?  No one thing.  Everything.  And, nothing.  Maybe it's simply the passing of time.  Switching out The Pickle's closet from 3-6 month to 6-9 month clothes and realizing...he's catching up with you.  Seeing some of the clothes we kept that were purchased for you over Christmas 2010, but never got the chance to be worn.  Clothes that outlived you.

Maybe it's the sense that I'm losing touch with the better, kinder, more gentle version of Momma.  That, as time passes, people are less forgiving.  They don't remember.  They think, "Well, it's been over a year - and she's had another baby.  She should be OK.  Back to normal."  And just like that the little, day-to-day pressures become more urgent.  More pressing.  It's no longer OK to have a bad day.  To need some space.

Maybe it's the bad dreams that have begun plaguing Momma's sleep again.  Most nights I wonder if I'm simply better off trying to stay awake.  As a result, the days are long, exhausting.

But every evening, as I come home from work, I am greeting by a little, spunky blonde sunbeam who grins and laughs the moment I walk through the door.  He melts my heart, and lightens everything about Momma.

Like that little fortune cookie says, sharing little joys - like a smile when Momma comes home from a long day - offers great hope to particular, to Momma.

And Momma hopes there is a cycle of "paying it forward."  That every once in a while a reader of this blog finds some sense of hope, belief, of being not quite so alone, when they read my letters to you, Peanut.

I love you - to the MOON and BACK!
- Momma

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