Routines

Peanut -

One of the hardest things Dadda and I had to face after your death was the loss of our sense of self, of family.  We found ourselves in a big, empty, quiet house surrounded by your lonely, still toys.  We had so much - too much - time on our hands.  Unwanted time.  My heart and mind craved our old, crazy, busy, heavily scheduled life.  The life that revolved around you.

Peanut, having you changed everything about Momma and Dadda.  We happily gave our weekends, evenings, every spare moment to be with you.  Going out to dinner was replaced by family meals at the kitchen table with you pulled between us in your high chair.  Weekend sleep-in sessions gave way to 6:00 am breakfast and The Backyardigans.  It was different.  It was fun.  It was family.  It was perfect.

Little by little, that sense of family and routine has reentered our lives thanks to The Pickle.  Each month new "old" elements creep back in...pre-bed story time, Mondays with grandma and grandpa, funny photo sessions in the high chair.  It's all so familiar.  And while it is tremendously healing, it is bittersweet.  All these moments with The Pickle remind Momma of just how much we had built with you.  And just how much we lost.

Peanut, I am so thankful for the 500 days we got to have with you on this earth.  And, I am so thankful that I still feel your love every single day.  Your presence is so strong, so very real.  We continue to see your signs...the tiny froggies who linger outside the kitchen window, the monarch butterfly who spent all Saturday by the pool with Momma and Dadda, the special rainbow cloud that hovered over the house for 15 minutes in an otherwise clear, blue sky.  "Hi Peanut!"

I'm sending you special Momma kisses tonight  - MMMMMWAHHH!  I love you.  How much?  To the moon - and back.

- Momma