Farewell to July

Peanut -

Tomorrow is August 1.  Unbelievable.  Another month has passed.  Another month without you.  Before we know it, September will be here and we'll be into "Peanut season."   That is how I'll always think about fall, since you were born in September, and the only months we got to repeat with you were the fall months.  Two Halloweens.  Two Thanksgivings.  Two Christmas and New Year's celebrations.

I am dreading this fall.  It's going to be full of painful milestones.  Yet, also filled with anticipation as your little sibling grows day-by-day in Momma's belly.  The Bean is due January 17, 2012.  Just days before your Angel Anniversary.  My heart is very conflicted about this information.  Part of me thinks it will be healing to have a new life to give us hope as we struggle through that painful first anniversary.  Part of me is worried about the new baby being witness to far too much sadness so early in life.  Are we pinning too many hopes and dreams on this new little life?  Is the Bean feeling my sadness every day in the womb?  I hope not...I am really trying to let the Bean know there is love and happiness surrounding him or her, every moment of every day.

Peanut, I watched every video we have of you today.  It was so awe-inspiring to hear you, watch your expressions, hear your laughter again.  To see how quickly you grew, and how your gentle spirit and immense intelligence infused every look, every action.  Watching those videos really convinced me...you  were our angel.  You still are.  Oh gosh...I miss you so much it's overwhelming.  To the moon and back, sweet Peanut.

- Momma

Lovely, Love My Family

Peanut -

There is a concert series coming to St. Louis at the end of summer called Lou Fest '11.  I've been ignoring most of the press about it, since the thought of attending a concert is the last thing on Momma's mind these days. However, an ad for the series caught my attention this morning when I saw The Roots encouraging people to attend since they would be the headliners.  The Roots!

In the past I knew them as simply a great band with a tuba (a TUBA!).  Then, as the funky band on Jimmy Fallon's coolly funny late night show.  But Mommahood totally changed my perspective.  They suddenly became the Yo Gabba Gabba band!  They were often featured on the show and were the main band at Nick Jr.'s big 2010 family concert.  Peanut, you and I watched that concert over and over and over again.  You got to listen and jive to the great music, watch other kids dance, and see the life-size Yo Gabba Gabba characters on stage...Peanut Crack!  

The song they performed most on the TV show, and during the concert was, "Lovely, Love My Family."  Every time it came on you and I would dance together, often with you pleading for me to pick you up so I could bounce and swing you around.  At the end of the song I would give you a giant kiss, and you'd return it with one of your awesome, around the neck Peanut Hugs.  Momma Crack!

Hearing that song now, and watching The Roots perform, doesn't bring sorrow or tears for Momma.  Just pure joy.  Joy in the memories of our dances, hugs and kisses.  Joy in the message of the music.  Joy in knowing what an amazingly happy, light-filled boy I have the honor to call my son, regardless of whether you are here on earth or in heaven.

Peanut, I am sending you music and dances, hugs and kisses.  Make sure all your friends in heaven dance, sing and laugh with you all the time...because all of us who love you here on earth will feel the joyful energy.  And know that I love, love, love you...to the moon and back!

- Momma

My Friday Buddy

Peanut -

Fridays continue to be a painful reminder of how empty my days are - my life is - without you.  Working from home every Friday and getting to run errands, have breakfast and lunch, watch Nick Jr. and play on the floor with you was the highlight of my week.  Every single week.

I loved bundling you up in the chilly weather to run out in the morning for a cup of coffee before the day officially started.  Or waking you up from your morning nap to watch Yo Gabba Gabba and share a grilled cheese.  And you were always a willing Oprah viewer, perched on the couch next to me (unlike the other men in this household!).

Your absence hit me like a slap in the face this morning.  I jumped in the car to run an errand and grab some lunch.  About 15 minutes into the trip I caught myself talking to you and looking for you in the rearview mirror so we could share a laugh and a silly face.  But...there was no Peanut.  No giant, toothy grin.  No blue eyes staring back at me.  Even your Cowmooflage car seat is gone.  Just emptiness.

I've been told and have read that grief is incredibly lonely.  Up until today, I didn't agree with that statement because we've been surrounded and supported by loving friends and family.  But today.  This was the loneliest day of my life.  Because it truly hit me that my Peanut Fridays are never coming back.  There will be other Fridays with other kids and people, but they will never be the same.  Nor should they be.  

I love that we had those Fridays.  The memories, pictures and stories captured in those days reflect some of the best moments of my life.  Special Peanut and Momma days that further reinforced the amazing, strong, loving bond we had, and will have for eternity.  I love you my special little Nutbrown Hare.  To the moon and back.

- Momma

Butterfly Friends

Peanut -

I woke up and got ready for work today with a very heavy heart.  Missing you, facing the 6-month mile marker of your loss, losing one of the Beans...it has all taken its toll on Momma this week.  But, there was just too much work waiting for me at the office to take a mental health day.  So, I squared my shoulders and pulled it together to get into the office.

Before leaving the house, I searched the side yard for Zeke the Cat.  While I'm fine with him playing outside during the cooler overnight hours, it's just been too hot throughout the midwest for him to be a daytime outdoor kitty.  Luckily, I found him causing mischief right by the driveway, but before I could corral him inside we had a visitor.  A very familiar visitor.  PEANUT!?  BEAN?!  Actually, it was a large, bright gold and black butterfly who flitted around Zeke, then Momma, and continued to circle around us for a minute or two before heading off across the yard.

Over the course of this summer we have had the same two butterflies visitors.  I'm not sure where they "live" but they always fly by when Momma needs it most.  One is a beautiful orange and black Monarch butterfly who I've actually been seeing since mid-spring.  The other, a gold and black butterfly - a Tiger Swallowtail, I believe - started coming around in June.  Hmmmm...possibly the Baby Bean?

It gives me comfort to see these two lovely butterflies.  They know us, and my heart knows them...my angel babies.  Thank you for lifting Momma's heart, and providing the strength I needed to get through the day with hope and energy.  I love you so very much - to the moon and back!

- Momma

Dreaming with A Broken Heart

Peanut -

John Mayer is one smart guy.  I say that for lots of reasons, but very specifically in regards to his lyrics, "When you're dreaming with a broken heart, waking up is the hardest part..."  Yes.  Yes, it is John Mayer.

The last several days have been exhausting.  Grief is exhausting.  And now I find that outside of getting up and going to work there isn't much I want to do besides curl up in bed.  With the TV on.  Every morning when my alarm goes off, I snooze three or four times trying to will myself to wake up, get moving.  But, all my brain and heart want to do is stay curled up with Zeke the Cat, dreaming about my Peanut.

Peanut, tonight's post is a short one.  Momma is bone tired, and knows she needs to take care of the growing Bean.  And, I know I'll get to see you in my dreams.  Until then, Peanut, I love you so, so, so much.  How much?  To the moon and back.

- Momma