Anticipation

Peanut -

The last few days have been defined by one word: anticipation.

My heart is torn between two worlds of conflicting, yet intertwined emotions.  In one world I am preparing for the arrival of an infant.  A little boy.  The Bean.  A tiny Bean just waiting to sprout.  A Bean who has no idea how much hope he is bringing into this world, this family, this Momma.

In the other world, I am a bereaved parent.  A Momma who desperately misses her Peanut.  A Peanut who taught her the meaning of selfless love, and how to be a Momma above all else.  A Momma who is anxiously watching the calendar approach January 26.  A terrible day.  A day that doesn't deserve the term "anniversary."

Today we made a decision that bridges these two worlds.  If The Bean hasn't been born by our due date, January 17, we will induce on that day.  This will ensure over a week between The Bean's birth date and your Angel Date.  It just seems appropriate.  Right.  You will each have your own place, your own week, in the month of January.  Time carved out to honor you each, in your own individual ways, without confusion.

But, in 2012 I am at a loss.  It will be the first Angel Date for you.  And, we'll be home with a tiny newborn.  Peanut...how do I ensure we honor you, remember you, pay tribute in the midst of all the "newborn-ness"?  How do I give my heart and brain permission to dive into sorrow on that day, knowing I will have a new baby counting on me?

As I anticipate these two giant milestones, I find myself constantly staring at our wall of Peanut pictures while rubbing the Bean Bump.  Every time I think about you, or cry, or look at your pictures, The Bean kicks and moves.  Almost as if he feels the connection between you two brothers and my heart.

Peanut, I hope to dream about you over these next weeks and to get some kind of sign or indication...what will make you happy and proud of us on January 26?  How can we honor a life so full of beauty, light, love and laughter?

I stare at the picture for tonight's posting, and I know you hear me.  I know you're listening and watching. I know you will visit to check on Momma, Dadda and The Bean.  As sure as I know we might never have an answer around what happened or why you died, I know you will show me the correct path for your Angel Date and beyond.  Because, your presence continues to make this world a better place.  Sending you my heart, full of love and tears - to the moon and back!

- Momma

Your First Haircut

Peanut -

On this day last year - January 8, 2010 - Dadda gave you your first, and only, big boy haircut.  While we adored your long, blonde curls, tangles and knots were becoming a daily issue and your hair was beginning to resemble a toddler mullet.  Not a great look.  So, without fuss or fanfare, Dadda quietly sat with you in the bathtub and set to work while Momma provided a distraction.  In less than 30 minutes, you were transformed from Baby Peanut to Toddler Peanut, with a stylish new 'do.  And, Momma captured an entire baggie full of discarded blonde curls...in hindsight, what a blessing.

Later that morning, I took a series of photos in your bedroom since the haircut made you spirited and full of sass.  We had a total blast crawling around your room, me with the camera, you with your Handy Manny tools in hand, and drool everywhere since you were cutting your last two teeth.

I look at those pictures and see the little man you were becoming.  Your personality shines through in that series of photos - your sly smile, peek-a-boo with the camera, head thrown back with laughter.  I'll never forget taking you to school the following week to have your teachers declare how much older you looked.  It's true.  The haircut transformed you.

Maybe that's why it's become easier for my brain to erase the image of you on the morning you died.  So much about you didn't resemble MY Peanut that morning.  The little boy I clung to in the emergency room, whose body I held through screams, sobs and prayers, who I had to say "good-bye" to forever...that wasn't you.  My Peanut is the funny face with the blonde curls, stuffing Goldfish in his mouth and dragging around his favorite froggy.  That is the Peanut in my brain, memory and heart.

Peanut, I had really hoped your little brother would be born today.  Something seemed so "right" about having his birthday fall on a day that holds such wonderful memories.  Alas, it doesn't look like that will happen.  The Bean is more stubborn than even your Momma, as hard as that might be to believe.

In honor of that wonderful day, the haircut milestone, Momma is sharing the best of the photos from that day.  The wounds in my heart feel especially raw when I view these pictures...I can't fathom this was 1-year ago today.  It defies all logic, and I still can't really grasp that you're gone.  Missing you more than I can express...and sending you all my love, to the moon and back!

- Momma

The Sweetest Word

Peanut -

This morning Dadda and I went to the doctor for our Bean 38-week check-up.  All is well with The Bean, who has decided to hang in for another few hours, days, weeks????  We'll see.  He is healthy, gaining weight every day, with an incredibly strong heartbeat.  All comforting news for a Momma who is hyper-sensitive, hyper-worried.

After the appointment, as we were walking down the medical building's hallway, Dadda and I ran into a grandmother playing with her 2-year old grandson.  He was wearing a fantastic, bright green t-shirt with a navy pinstripe men's tie drawn on the front.  Very dapper.  With a mop of dark hair and big brown eyes, he was playing his own little peek-a-boo game behind grandma's back.

Momma's pregnancy waddle must have grabbed his attention, because his game stopped short and his little boy attention span focused on Momma and Dadda.  A little smile spread on his face, he stared straight at me and declared, "Momma!"

And my heart broke into ten million pieces.

His grandmother laughed and said, "No, silly!  That's not your Momma!"

We all grinned at each other, I told him I loved his t-shirt, and we went our separate ways.  A few minutes later, I finally admitted to Dadda how I wish I'd had that moment with you, Peanut.  At 16.5 months, you were calling me Momma but I never got to have "that moment."  You know, the moment where you catch sight of me across the room and call out "MOMMA!" with excitement.  In my dreams of meeting you in heaven, it's the first interaction we have...you and I seeing each other across a field - "Momma!  "Peanut!" - running and hugging, never ever letting go.

I cling to that dream, and to the hope of hearing your little brother say that word to me.  Maybe it's silly, how much importance I place on this moment, this word.  But, I know in my heart I will hear you say it, in this world or the next.  Until then, just know how much I love you, Peanut.  To the moon and back!

- Momma!!!

Music Messages

Peanut -

Last night one of your very special, amazing teachers posted a note on Momma's Facebook Timeline.  She turned on her car radio yesterday afternoon and immediately heard one of your favorite songs, "Chicken Fried" by the Zac Brown Band.  For her, it was not only the first time she'd stumbled across it in a while, but it was one of the first times since your death she was able to listen to it with a smile...full of joyful memories of you dancing.

I loved that post, and thought about all the wonderful moments you and I spent dancing together throughout the evening.  Then, this morning as I was pulling out of the driveway for work the first song picked at random by my iPod was..."Chicken Fried."  I burst into tears and laughter all at once, and glanced in my rearview mirror, thinking I just might see you grinning at me from the backseat.  I repeated the song three more times during the drive in to the office, singing, crying, laughing.  The Bean kicked and turned somersaults as if he wanted to join the party too.  What a way to kick off the day!

Peanut, I believe these little messages are from you.  You are gently reminding us of the 500 days of happy, wonderful moments we were blessed to spend with you.  Reminding us to remember you with smiles and laughter.  Helping to lighten and heal our hearts.

Tonight I am re-sharing the movie Dadda and I made over the Christmas holiday.  This movie was incredibly emotional, painful, heart-wrenching, joyful, and inspirational to create.  It was impossible to watch the movie without tears of sorrow...at first.  But now I watch it with tears of joy, and catch myself laughing as I remember the stories behind the pictures.  I treasure these memories, this brief history of you, and the amazing gift of your life.  Your light.  Your Peanut Touch.

My sweet, beautiful, handsome, joyful, musical, brilliant Peanut.  My son.  My heart.  I miss you and love you sooooooo very much - to the moon and back!

- Momma

Peanut and The Bean

Peanut -

The arrival of 2012 has brought with it the overwhelming anticipation of your little brother's birth.  While he isn't due for two more weeks, it really could be any day now - especially since the contractions have picked up in terms of duration and frequency.

Your 1st Angel Anniversary is also approaching on January 26, but Momma is choosing to focus more on the legacy of your beautiful life, instead of the horror of that date.  That day will mark "the last of the firsts" in many ways, but you are still so present in our hearts and minds...I refuse to consider that you aren't an integral part of every piece of every day.

I suspect when your little brother arrives, we will feel your presence surrounding us in surprising, unexpected ways.  The fact that we confirmed this pregnancy Mother's Day weekend, and his birth date is so close to your Angel Date - it all feels very significant.  Your little brother is the blessing we had never planned, the second child I never thought I could or would conceive, and the child who is helping us remember how much joy we found as parents - Peanut's parents.

This weekend, as we welcomed 2012 on an unseasonably warm day, Dadda and I decided to take a few pictures.  Pictures that are meaningful to us, because they include BOTH you and The Bean.  These are the beginning of what should hopefully be a lifetime of Peanut and Bean pictures.  These will never be "normal" family pictures, because you won't physically be sitting in the frame, but your spirit, your smile, your froggies, your sunshine will infuse our family pictures forever.

And, let's face it, we will never be a "normal" family again.  We will always be a family who survived the worst loss.  A family who was blessed to be touched by your amazing, boundless love.  A family who will always feel the glow of your beautiful smile.  A family who has been at the center of The Peanut Effect.  A family made better because of you.

Peanut, you are going to be the best Angel Brother ever.  You already are.  I love you, my wonderful, beautiful, amazing little son.  My son who taught me how to be a Momma and how to love.  To the moon and back!

- Momma