As Momma has struggled to make sense of life - of a world - without you, I have stumbled across a whole belief system I wasn't aware I possessed. The instant, unexpected, still unexplained loss of you, loss of my planned future, has forced me to ask a lot of introspective questions. The quick, steady sureness of the answers has surprised me.
I am positive you are still with us, watching and smiling over us from heaven. And not just any heaven. I now know I believe in a very special heaven for children. A place where you can run and tumble without fear of broken bones or scary strangers. A place where everyone laughs and holds hands and plays together regardless of race or religion. A place of sunshine and comfort. A place where you can wait for us.
You have been there for over 500 days. And, I know you, Peanut. You are probably the designated Greeter. With your love of hugs, I'm sure every child who arrives receives a giant Peanut-style hug, a glowing, toothy smile and the assurance that this is Children's Heaven.
Someone asked me last week what I think you and I will look like when we meet again. Without hesitation I answered, "Exactly the way we looked at Peanut's 1-year photo shoot." You with your blonde curls and grass green shirt that emphasized your electric blue eyes. Me wearing a pair of sunglasses and jeans, and those shoes with the metal buttons that made you laugh. Sunshine and a warm breeze blowing through our hair. And a smile only love can create.
That's what I believe.
I miss you terribly today. The warm summer weather brings back every wonderful moment of the summer of 2010. You grew into a toddler that summer. You found your voice, learned to say "Up!"and discovered the power of laughter. This summer should have been your third. You should be learning to swim, and playing with lighting bugs. Instead, I am left with my memories, imagination, and still healing broken heart. And the knowledge that I believe in heaven.
I love you, Peanut. To the moooooooooooooon and back!