500 Days...Without Peanut

Peanut -

As the song from Rent asks, "How do you measure a life?"

In years, weeks, days, hours, minutes and seconds?  In meals, naps, baths, milestones?  Maybe.  But I tend to agree with the song.  Measure in love.

Today marks 500 days of life without you and your physical presence on this earth.  Tomorrow we will wake up and have to face day 501.  The beginning of a new chapter.  Of officially surviving life longer than the time we were blessed to hug, kiss and hold you.

But to summarize you and your life in days, in the number 500, isn't sufficient.  It doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of the impact you made on this world.  This family.  This Momma.  Your Peanut Effect.

The love you gave so freely, the love you opened in my heart, the new brand of love you created in our family, and the eternal love we have discovered in your loss - a love that transcends the bounds of this world.  That love is a much more accurate measurement of your life.  Because it continues to exist.  YOU continue to exist even though we can't see you.  Can't hug you.  But we can feel you.

Peanut, I feel your presence every day.  You are in everything I do, every decision I make, every smile I give, every laugh, every hug.  When I'm faced with a moment of frustration, sadness, or a flash of anger, I feel you enter my heart.  I feel your warmth and sunshine and I pause...breathe...smile.

Today is one of those milestones I marked on the calendar and have been anticipating.  Dreading.  As we've discovered over and over again throughout these 500 days, the anticipation is worse than facing the actual moment, the actual day.  Today will come and today will pass.  Tomorrow the sun will rise.  We will still exist in a world without you, our Peanut.  But, we have you in our hearts, minds.  Your Peanut Effect envelopes us in love.

I spent part of this morning looking back through all your photos, through all your antics and goofiness.  Your giant, toothy smiles and head-thrown-back laughter.  My heart remembers your overwhelming energy and zest for life.  And I smile through my tears.

Peanut, I love you sooooooo much.  How much?  To the moon - and back!

- Momma

A giant, perfectly Peanut smile.