Monday, May 7, 2012

Sleep Smiles

Peanut -

Back on January 16, Momma wrote you a letter titled, "Responsibilities of An Angel Brother."  It was the night before we headed to the hospital to have The Bean, and I was reflecting on what a terrific brother you would've been if you were still on earth - but what an amazing angel brother you now get to be for Bean as you watch over him from heaven.

Well, Peanut, I can tell you have already surpassed ALL Momma's expectations.

How can I tell?  I can see it when he sleeps.

Sleep - a time that brings such fear and panic to your Momma.  A time that should be quiet and still, but is instead filled with anxiety.  A time when I keep constant watch over your brother, just to make sure he is still breathing.

But, something beautiful has happened in the midst of those vigilant hours.  I've gotten to witness smiles, giggles, little half grins that appear out of nowhere while The Bean snoozes peacefully.  I truly believe sleep is when you visit your brother, tell him funny stories, share your favorite episodes of The Backyardigans, and talk about all the cool toys and adventures waiting for him.  You tell him about all the sports and games he will get to play...all the things you never got to experience.  But, knowing you'll be with him every step of the way.

And through this a sense of calm has settled in over Momma's heart.  You ARE with him every step of the way.  You are here when he takes bath, kicks and grasps toys on his playmat.  And, when he sleeps.  So, despite my fear I have to give in to my faith.  Faith that you are his angel brother and protector, watching over him - and us - from heaven. 

I love you, Peanut.  And ooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh how I miss you.  Wishing you were somehow here with us, physically.  To the mooooooon and back!

- Momma

Surrounded by all your favorite toys.

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