Thursday, May 10, 2012

Peanut, Beans and Pickle

Peanut -

Do you remember watching Momma and Dadda at this time last year?  The days leading up to Mother's Day?  A weekend Momma was dreading as it drove the sharp knife of grief deeper and deeper into my heart...salt in the proverbial wound.  But then - poof!  A double rainbow appeared in the sky.  A sign of hope and of the future.

We confirmed we were pregnant.  With twins.

That's right.  Momma and Dadda - with the assistance of friends, family, doctors, and prayers - confirmed we were pregnant with your siblings.  As guilty as it made me feel, I also knew it was meant to be.  These babies were a gift from you.  The children we never planned to have...but the legacy of you that needed to be realized.

We immediately started calling them Lima Bean and Chickpea. Unknowingly, it was our attempt to give them an identity.  Something close to you but also different.  Our attempt to recognize these little lives who represented a new future.  A reason to live.

Momma went from drinking too much and relying on sleeping pills for silent sleep to a steady diet of water, fruits, veggies and peanut butter.  My brain had to relive the horror of January 26 in the wee hours of the morning as I struggled to find peace in non-medicated sleep.  And just as I felt us swimming out of the murky waters, devastation struck once again.

We lost Chickpea.

But there was your little brother on the ultrasound screen.  Strong.  Surviving.  Active.  The Bean.  His presence, his survival, whispered to us, "Stay strong.  You are meant to be parents."  So, we quietly wept for Chickpea...the sister and daughter and pink, ruffled, blonde little girl of Momma's dreams.  And we held on to the promise of The Bean.

And now, he is here.  He is almost 4 months old.  He is stubborn.  Strong willed.  Happy.  Funny.  He just found his laugh this week.  And, he resembles you in so many ways, but is still very much his own hilarious little self.  In short, he has morphed into - Pickle.

As we prepare for Mother's Day, I am filled with joy. And sorrow.  I am thankful.  I am sad.  Grief and sadness and sunshine and hope...these are my constant companions.  I have been blessed to carry three children.  I have been lucky enough to hold and kiss two of them.  And now, I am thankful to have one.


I pray for the chance to watch him grow into a little boy.  A young man.  A teenager.  A college graduate.  A husband.  A father.  I also pray to wake up and find him alive in the morning.  After his nap.  After a car ride.  In short, I am thankful for every second of every moment of every day.

Peanut, you taught me what it is to be a mom.  To love without reservation.  To love selflessly.  To love.  Your brother will reap the benefits of everything you have taught me.  I will be a better mom, a better person, a better friend and daughter, because of you.  To quote an earlier post, I have been changed...for good.

My amazing little Peanut with your blonde curls, clear blue eyes, expressive forehead, musical laugh, dexterous fingers, squeezable tush, and amazingly strong hugs.  My Peanut.  My little boy.  My son.  I miss you so desperately it makes Momma's arms, heart, body ache.  It hurts so much because I love you so very much.  How much?  Well, that's easy.  To the moooooooooooon and back!

- Momma

One of my all-time favorite pictures, taken at 3 months.

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