Saturday, May 12, 2012

Blooming Momma

Peanut -

Last spring a wonderful friend from high school honored you at her church during a service of remembrance.  A vibrant pink hydrangea was placed in front of the congregation during the service, and was then donated to Momma and Dadda.  Momma instantly gave it its own big, sturdy planter, and placed  the plant - so full of life, so joyful, so Peanut-like - on our back deck.  As fall approached, I reluctantly cut the branches back, fearful I would never see it produce its lush blooms again.

Over the last several months Momma has checked on the hydrangea, just to make sure there was a trace of green, of life.  In March little green leaves began to sprout, which quickly transformed into fuzzy, deep green fans. blooms.  No flowers.

It was halfway there, but didn't show promise of being restored to its original beauty.  Momma can relate. On this Mother's Day eve, I am surprised to find I'm looking forward to tomorrow.  To celebrate the powerful love motherhood has opened in my heart.  To celebrate my children - all my children.  The four wonderful stepchildren I married along with Dadda.  You, my Peanut Angel.  Chickpea.  Pickle.  But always hyper-aware of the looming absence of my Peanut.  The hole in my heart has almost healed, but in its place is a jagged, ropey scar.

This afternoon I happened to glance outside while standing at the kitchen sink, washing one of Pickle's bottles.  A flash of pink caught my eye.  <gasp!>  Could it be?  Are those...?  Yes.  Yes!  YES!  Overnight, the hydrangea has exploded with blooms.  It is...stunning.  While it isn't the same as last year - the pinks are different and the shape of the plant is more round - it is perfect in its new form.  And I wonder...maybe Momma has undergone a similar transformation.  I will never be the same Momma.  I will never "get over" the loss of you.  I will never smile, laugh, sigh or cry without you being at the front of my mind.  My pinks are a new shade.  My form is different, softer.  But, I am still Momma.  I will forever be Peanut's Momma.

Tomorrow I will hold Pickle in my embrace, I will breathe in his amazing baby smell, I will melt in the glow of his smile, and I will watch his little sleep grins while he snoozes in my arms.  Tomorrow I will watch every video of you.  Gaze at every picture we ever took.  I will open the binder that holds every piece of your artwork from school.  I will read "Guess How Much I Love You" to myself, to your brother and to you.  I will smile.  I will cry.  I will be Momma.  Your Momma.  The Momma who loves you tremendously.  To the moon....and back!

- Momma

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