Turning 40

Peanut -

Tomorrow is Momma's birthday.  I turn 40, which for most people provokes groans, dread, and denial.  For me it is an altogether different set of emotions, many of which conflict and confuse.  But, after all we've handled these last 16 months, they do make strange sense.

I feel grateful.  For another day.  Another sunrise and sunset.  For The Bean and his already constant smile.  For Dadda and the amazing love, friendship and partnership we enjoy.

I feel sadness.  For the looming absence at my birthday dinner table.  For the little boy who will never get to celebrate his own birthdays.

I feel a sense of injustice.  Why have I been given the gift of 40 years?  Of another birthday?  Why couldn't I pass this gift along to my precious Peanut?  You deserve it so much more than I do.

I feel love.  Love for you that grows every day.  Love for The Bean, that truly has taught me that grief and love are not mutually exclusive and can reside side-by-side, sharing Momma's heart.  The love of friends and family who surround and support us on a daily basis.  Friends and family who remember this time last year, when Momma had no desire to live, smile or celebrate - and who breathe a sigh of relief as my smile returns to an easy, comfortable place.

I feel a sense of purpose.  Purpose to honor you and make you proud.  Purpose to make the most of these 40 years - and for every year beyond.  To show that I deserve to be here, and to share your lessons with the world.

Peanut, these events of personal celebration bring a cloak of sadness to Momma...unanticipated periods of reflection and questioning.  Rather than dwell in the cellar of sadness, I choose to lift up my chin and smile to the heavens - for you.  To you.  My wee Peanut.

I know you will be with us tomorrow as we have dinner and toast to another year.  I will hear your tiny Peanut voice saying, "Happy Birthday, Momma" and I'm pretty sure I'll receive a giant Peanut hug in my dreams.

Loving you, missing you, longing for you.  To the moon - and back.

- Momma

Peanut during our May birthday celebration in 2010.
Check out the cool sock/shirt combo!