Sunday, April 15, 2012

Changed...For Good

Peanut -

Six months after you were born, Dadda and I took a "grown up" trip to NYC, and left you in St. Louis with Grandma and Grandpa. It was a wonderful time for me and Dadda to reconnect, and for you to get some time alone with your grandparents. While we were in NY, Dadda and I went to see one of my favorite musicals - Wicked. The amazing music, clever story, costumes, and tremendous staging made this one of the highlights of the trip for Momma. However, I was beyond ready to return home at the end of our trip because I missed you so much. Momma even grabbed an early flight home just to get a few more hours with you.

How strange to think back on that time in our lives. A time when we left you for a whole weekend. A time when we took for granted you would still be here, waiting for us. An assumption you would always be here. A wonderfully naive time in our lives, when children don't - can't - die.

I now listen to music from Wicked with a different ear. It always makes me a little sad, a little regretful. I can't help but think of the lost moments we'll never get back. The music I will never get to share with you.

There is also a new meaning to many of the lyrics. In particular, the song "For Good." It popped up on my iPod rotation today, after having breakfast with Joey's momma. What odd, but wonderfully appropriate timing. Everything about this song represents your beautiful impact on me...this verse, in particular:

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Peanut, because I had you, loved you, knew you. Because I still see you, feel you, love you. I have been changed. For good.

Loving you to the moon and back.

- Momma


  1. What a beautiful song. I often think back to the time when we left Lily with my parents so we could spend a night in Boston for our 10th wedding anniversary. I thought I had a whole lifetime with Lily, and if I knew it would turn out like this, every second would have been for her. In many ways, they were. She knows how much we love her, and she knew it during her life, too. "Peanut" knows how much you love him too, and he is beautiful, by the way.

    - Laura, Mom of Lily 5/28/10 - 2/16/12 (SUDC)

    1. Laura..I hope you see this. Oh, how I wish we could talk. I would love to hear more about your beautiful Lily. And, I want to tell you this sate of shock will ebb and flow. Time doesn't heal, it softens. Memories that tear your heart to pieces will, without warning, bring a smile to your face. And you might feel guilt but it will also remind you of the joy Lily brought you. Life will never be the same. It will be different. But what form of different is up to you.

    2. Thank you. I didn't see your reply until now. I hope it gets easier, and I understand what you mean. Eventually, I'd like to shift the focus on celebrating Lily's life, instead of only mourning the loss of her. There should be a link to my site/blog when you click my name, and I also check in on the SUDC groups occasionally (SatieMama).