18 Months

Peanut -

Tomorrow is one of those milestones Momma can anticipate.  Sort of.  Thank goodness.

Tomorrow your little brother will officially be 18 months old.

Why is this important?  Well...a few reasons.

First, all infant/toddler clothes are sold by months.  You had barely started wearing your 12-18 month clothes when January 26 happened.  We had a closet full of clothes you never got to wear and chose to hang on to for The Pickle.  Some have worked, some haven't due to the seasonal differences in your ages.  But...he is now beyond most of what we purchased for you.  Everything is new.

That leads to the next point.  Momma is so far beyond what she knows, it is startling.  Your brother is communicating, speaking phrases with words, sign language and gestures.  I now know I don't know what's next.  We (Ok, I) are venturing into new territory.

It hurts my heart to realize your little brother has surpassed you in terms of time on earth.  This is a tough milestone to swallow.  That fact that every big event from this day forward will mark a giggle, a word, a version of smile we will never get to experience with you.

It's funny.  As the pressure of The Pickle "surviving" lessens the heartbreak of what we missed with you has intensified for Momma.   Who knew?  One more layer in the process of grieving.

Tomorrow Momma will strive to give The Pickle a celebration.  Tomorrow Momma will cry for what the world has lost with your death.

Peanut, I dream with you often.  Not about you, but with you.  That's important.  I believe you are still very present and are guiding us...and that Pickle sees you.  You are always with us.

I close my eyes, take a deep breath, say..."Hello Peanut."  And here you are.  Right next to me; in my heart, in my arms, giving me a Peanut hug and butterfly kisses.

Missing you, loving you - to the moon and back!

- Momma

One of the last photos we have of Peanut before he passed away...so happy with his book.