Sunday, June 2, 2013

Into the Great Big (and Still Very Scary) Unknown

Peanut -

Well, we made it.  Day 501 with The Pickle has now come and gone without event.  There was no trumpeting of angels, or a booming voice from the heavens declaring, "Welcome!  You survived 500 days!  Congratulations!"  (Well, there were some pretty intense thunderstorms and tornadoes - do they count since weather has been a constant mirror to Momma's emotions since you died?)

So, how do I feel standing here, staring at a world of unknowns with The Pickle?  <sigh>  Quite frankly, I am relieved.  And still scared as hell.  Maybe scared isn't the appropriate word.  It's more that I don't take anything for granted.  I don't assume anything.  I am prepared to lose everything I love in the blink of an eye.  Is that cynicism?  Perhaps.

However, I don't think that is unusual for a bereaved parent.  When your child dies, the world as you know it doesn't make sense anymore.  All sense of right and wrong, fair and unfair, the natural order things, and the circle of life and family - it is broken.  Your child is supposed to outsurvive you.  To be the fingerprint of you on this earth once you pass.  As a Momma, I never imagined I would have to plan your funeral, choose a "child appropriate" urn for your ashes, and find a place to discretely display your beloved froggies in remembrance of you...all while having the memory of your birth and the joy of watching you discover words, new tastes and smells, our kitty cat (Hiiiii kitteh kah!) fresh in my mind.

Peanut, you continue to make me a better, kinder, more patient Momma.  When I hear an edge of irritation creep into my voice as The Pickle tugs on Henry's tail for the 100th time, or when I find myself overwhelmed by the responsibilities of being a full-time working Momma, your sunshine smile enters my heart and I feel a Peanut hug around my neck.  In an instant, I am thankful for the blessing of your little brother and grateful for this second chance to be a Momma.  To experience happiness once again.

Grief. Joy. Love. Guilt. Terror. Happiness. Relief. Hope.  These are the emotions that fill Momma's heart every day.

My sweet Peanut, I miss you.  Sending you air kisses, bunches and noodles of love and nose nuggles, and praying for a butterfly or froggie sighting today.  To the moon - and back!

- Momma

Love that sunshine smile.

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