Thursday, May 30, 2013

500 Days

Peanut -

On this very same night back in January of 2011 Momma was listening to you on the baby monitor.  You were fussy and restless.  So unlike you.  So much so that at 9:00 pm Momma got up and pulled you out of your crib and read you your favorite book, "Guess How Much I Love You."  We nuggled noses, you gave me a giant Peanut hug and touched my eyelashes.  I laid you back in your crib, never thinking anything would be different in the morning.

I have never been so wrong in my life.  And never will be again.

Confession:  Momma and Dadda had been fighting in the days before you died.  Momma went out to dinner with her sister the night of January 25, 2011 and didn't get home before bedtime.  Momma had no clue that Dadda's Aunt Joan passed away earlier that day, and never got a chance to "check in" with Dadda about his day, how you were doing, or anything at all.

It was just fate - or you, my wise Peanut - that brought me out of bed to hold and hug you. To read to you that night.  To say an unrealized goodbye.

It was just fate that had me check on you at 3 am.

Where was fate when you stopped breathing?

Why you?  Why then?  Why, why, why?

Tomorrow morning, Momma will hold her breath in fear.  Will The Pickle wake up?  Will history repeat itself?  Is the world that cruel?

We were blessed this week to reconnect with some friends who provided us with smiles, hope and a ray of sunshine in the weeks after your death.  The Seeds of Happiness folks who have simply loved and embraced us:  At the end of our time with them, their founder, Mark, gave Momma a special Angel Seed.  Blue, just like Momma's remembrance wristband.  Once again, it hit Momma's heart as a sign from you - you are telling me to to not just survive.  To live, smile, laugh.  To be happy.

There is so much Momma needs to say these next few days...letters will be much more frequent than in recent weeks.  This 500 day milestone with Pickle has unearthed a lot of emotions, questions, guilt and pain.  But also a new reconnection with you, my Peanut.

Tonight I share a photo from January  20, 2011...just days before you died.  For me, it brings home the unreality of your death.  But also the vibrance of your spirit and smile.

Intense grief has given Momma a true appreciation for happiness and love.  And it strikes me, without experiencing both, you might not ever have a true sense of the depth of these emotions.  I am thankful to know how deep these rivers run....just not thankful for the reason I am part of that club.

Peanut, your giant laugh and silly spirit are forever a part of my DNA.  I long for you to grab my eyelashes or gnaw on my hair.  But, I know you are still here.  The Seeds of Happiness are just one example.

Sending you my love and tears - I know you see and feel them.  Peanut, I love the moon - and back!

- Momma

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