Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Hope. Smile. Laughter.

Peanut -

Today is Momma's birthday.  Oh, how I wish you were here.  As I drove home this afternoon the blue, sunny sky was filled with sunshine and white, cottony clouds.  I declared in my car, "Peanut, I wish you were here." and a direct ray of light hit me along with a sense of warmth...of you.  It helped me reflect on our journey these last few years...

Two years ago I was wading through deep grief but also feeling a sense of hope.  We had decided to try and have another baby.  Science and miracles were supporting us and, well, hope had sprouted in Momma's heart.  The hope of finding purpose.  A sense of something bigger and more important than just our time on this planet.  And, more than anything, I longed to hold a child who was my legacy.  You taught me that.

Last year I learned to smile again.  The Pickle was here and with him came sunshine, light, grins, happy moments.  But, also some guilt.  I mean, how could we possibly be happy again - ever?  Yet, we found ourselves laughing, playful and sometimes completely blissful.

And now, here we are...the Pickle will surpass your time on earth in just over 1 month.  Another Momma birthday has passed with a Pickle doing things you never learned to do - he can run, throw a ball, say "no, no, no, no" and give me a high-five without missing a beat.  More than anything, I have learned to laugh again.  Momma has one of those laughs no one can ignore, unfortunately.  Many of my birthday wishes today included references to my laugh, how it was good to hear to again, and to keep it up.  Statements that in years past would have embarrassed Momma.

So, now what?  I have no idea.  Into the great unknown we venture with you on my shoulder as a guardian angel.  Where will that take us?  I don't the moon - and back!

- Momma

Connor's last photos with Momma and Dadda two weeks before he passed away...

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