Wednesday, March 20, 2013


Peanut -

The other night, as Momma was checking on The Pickle to make sure he was still breathing, it became apparent that his nightlight needed new batteries.  SLAM.  Another unexpected door closing.

That nightlight just happens to be your beloved Cloud B. turtle, with his shell that projects various constellations in blue, green and turquoise.  And, those batteries just happen to be the same batteries used when you were alive.  Batteries that knew your touch, strong left-handed throwing arm, coos and sighs as you delighted in the stars projected on your ceiling.  A turtle and batteries who were the last to experience you alive along with Momma as she turned on a constellation for you the night of January 25, 2011.

After dutifully unscrewing the battery cover, replacing the AAA batteries, and returning Sleepy Turtle to his place, Momma found herself staring at three old, useless batteries.  What to do?  We can't hang on to them.  Batteries just aren't "friendly" that way.  But, am I a terrible Momma for just tossing them in the trash?  Is this whole line of thought simply ridiculous?

In the end, the batteries wound up in the trash can.  Why?  Because what you loved about Sleepy Turtle had little to do with the batteries but more about the beauty and comfort from his stars and colors...and new batteries have restored their luster.  I can feel you smiling from heaven at that decision.

As Momma grappled with this "battery crisis" I realized...this blog just turned two.  The blog has reached a milestone you will never realize on earth.  This blog, this refuge and outlet for Momma's raw grief and gradual journey towards hope and joy.  For those who haven't been here from Day One, I share the First post.

Peanut, time has not dulled Momma's grief or love for you.  What it has done is given Momma the space to learn about and build the tools to incorporate that grief into life going forward.  To figure out how a New Momma "shows up."  And how that New Momma lives to honor you.

I dream about you often...dreams I welcome.  Hoping I see you again tonight, tomorrow and the next night.  Why?  Because I miss you.  I love you, my Little  Nutbrown Hare.  How much?  To the moon - and back!

- Momma

March 2011 - 6 months old.  Look at those eyes!

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