Sunday, January 6, 2013

January, I Love You. I Hate You.

Peanut -

Momma's had a hard time bracing herself against the tidal wave of emotions that slammed against the sandy shores of her brain beginning the morning of January 1, 2013.  It has been constant, hard driving,  unrelenting.  Exhausting.

You see, Peanut, January brings with it multiple layers of milestones, each one unique and complicated, yet all inextricably linked together.  First, we ushered out 2012.  A year that never knew you on this earth.  This was one of those "firsts" that completely blind-sided Momma.  Yep.  Didn't see it coming from a million miles away.

Add to that the welcoming of a new year, the next of a lifetime of new years that will not include you.  A daunting thought, put in very stark terms as you see the numbers of a new year staring you in the face.

Pile on top of that the turn of the calendar page from happy, glowing December to the month that stole you from us in 2011.  With each day that passes we march closer and closer to the 26th.  What do we do on that day?  Hold our breath and hope to muscle through it?  Pretend it's just another day?  Your Angel Day is a complex beast we have yet to conquer.

The cherry on top of all of this?  January 17th marks your little brother's first birthday.  A wonderful, joyous, amazing occasion that Momma cannot wait to celebrate.  Day by day he is growing to be a little boy, full of spunk and moxie.  Fearless and strong-willled.  So much like you yet so different in many, many ways.  Momma watches him discover toys that were yours.  Books you loved.  Colors that made you giggle.  These moments reawaken countless memories, and sometimes re-open partially healed scars.  But, Momma wouldn't change one moment because it feels like a rare, special gift.  The gift of a few select month where I'll almost get to feel my two boys, playing side-by-side.

Peanut, Momma promises to be better about writing letters in 2013.  To intentionally carve out this special time when I truly reconnect with you, your spirit, your sunshine smile and musical laugh.  As we look towards the 2-year milestone of life without you on this earth, Momma realizes she misses you more than ever.  And probably will for a lifetime.

Sending you bunches of noodles of Momma hugs and butterfly kisses.  I love you, Peanut.  To the moon - and back!

- Momma

Picture taken right after Peanut's 1st birthday.

No comments:

Post a Comment