Forgiveness

Peanut -

This week needs to have its own name: The Power of Forgiveness Week (or, Lack Thereof).  Time and time again this week Momma has witnessed close friends and family re-opening wounds that are 2 years old and refusing to find forgiveness in their hearts.

Wounds caused by circumstances no human being knows how to handle - the death of a wonderful, amazing little boy named Connor.  Peanut.  You.  Wounds so raw and personal they defy reason, argument, defense.  Wounds that should be left to heal.  Not picked at, re-opened to pour salt on, challenging them to try to heal.

It all has Momma wondering...am I the one in denial?  Should I be angry?  At someone or something?  Is there something wrong with me that I can't understand or relate to the anger of others?  That I simply want them to leave me out of their squabbles and petty, self-focused bullshit?  Honestly, how dare they try to bring me into it.  Haven't we faced enough?  Have't we survived enough?

Peanut, your death taught me - in an instant - that life is short, precious and unpredictable.  That I should look at every person I interact with as a gift.  I've learned some of my best lessons from my worst experiences.  Did I realize it immediately?  No.  But, eventually, yes.

More than anything Momma has realized these last two years that hatred, guilt and grudges are...exhausting.  Why carry that burden, day in and day out?  Is it productive?  Does it create any greater good for the universe?  Does it set a good example for our children and friends and family?  No, I don't think so.  

In the end, forgiveness isn't about the other person.  It isn't about excusing bad behavior.  It is about you.  It is about finding peace in your heart and extending it to the universe.  Without finding forgiveness you will always live with a burning, living parasite slowing hollowing you out.

And really, what fun is that?

Peanut, I can't believe January 26 is around the corner...lurking.  How can that be?  I watch your brother with an ever-vigilant eye.  I will not allow January to steal him too.  I know you are protecting him from heaven...I feel it.  

Sending you love, as always...but more now than ever.  I miss you so desperately.  I want to take you to Yo-Gabba-Gabba Live...you would be the perfect age.  Would.  <sigh>  I love you, sweet boy...to the moon - and back.

- Momma

Best smile ever.  December 2010.