Momma has been offline for the last week. Partially due to the terrible US election coverage and related hatred which I found truly distasteful, but primarily thanks to a major Momma Life Decision. Momma had LASIK surgery and the recovery period required no computer time due to eye strain. I know...holy cannoli...Momma did it!
Peanut, in the months after you were born Momma complained constantly about the inconvenience of contacts and glasses. My eyesight is (was) bad enough that I couldn't function without some type of correction but contacts were drying and uncomfortable, and glasses were a source of fun and fascination for you. Yes, you loved to gnaw on my frames! I talked constantly about overcoming my fear of laser eye surgery. I talked incessantly about "getting around to it." But, well, I never did. And then...poof...it was too late. You were gone.
Fast forward to the summer of 2012. Once again, Momma was complaining - like a broken record - about glasses and contacts and discomfort. Promising - once again - to get her eyes fixed. Someday...
Here's the thing. We don't know what tomorrow will bring. And if your death has taught Momma ONE thing it is to seize the day. Overcome the fear. Commit and make a decision. Slay the dragon!
And now I can wake up in the morning or from a nap and I can see your brother, the rise and fall of his chest, confirmation that he is alive and well...no glasses. No contacts. And it brings a new, odd sense of relief.
And then today Momma battled another demon. Speaking in front of large audiences. For the last 22 months crowds have been the enemy. Frightening, really. They have reminded me of your Memorial Service and the unwelcome spotlight brought by your passing. So when I was asked to emcee an event at work for 1500 people the first response was NO WAY. But then I realized...I have a Guardian Angel. A Peanut Angel sitting on my shoulder, cheering me on, soothing my heart and calming my nerves. Today was the day. And...it felt OK. Almost good. Why? Because I felt you there with me.
Peanut, you continue to make me a better person, a better Momma, a kinder more gentle soul.
How is it that I think I miss you more now than I even have before? <sigh> Thank you for being in my heart, soul and mind every moment of every day. I love you sweet boy. How much? To the mooooooooooon - and back!