Sunday, November 18, 2012

Despite All We Have Lost, Life Is Good

Peanut -

The title of today's letter represents a thought that has been swirling around in Momma's head for the last few days.  It's a thought that brings equal amounts of guilt and happiness.  Guilt in that I shouldn't even begin to think "life is good" when we don't have you in our arms, growing older day by day.  Happiness in that we/I live each day to honor you, to surround The Pickle with love, and to be better people.

Here in the United States of America we are preparing to kick off the holiday season with Thanksgiving.  Last year Momma truly couldn't face the holiday season and spent most of these weeks merely gritting her teeth and surviving.  My only goal was to get to the birth of The Pickle.  That was my beacon of light.  This year is different.  We have your brother who is fascinated by the early Christmas lights and decorations which has, in turn, gotten us excited to decorate and celebrate.  We have a new family-owned business.  We seem to have more stability...a new sense of being grounded.  Maybe it's because we are also approaching the two year mark of your passing...two years...unimaginable.

This November Thanksgiving holiday also carries with it the obvious question: What are you thankful for this year?  To be perfectly frank, I couldn't answer that question last year.  While I was excited for The Pickle's arrival, I wasn't sure I was truly thankful for, well, anything.  And this year I am thankful to have that perspective.  It gives Momma a whole new sense of the word "thankful."  I am fortunate to be here, alive and healthy and surrounded by friends, family, a great husband, a wonderful Pickle and the spirit of my amazing Peanut.  Quite simply, I am thankful to be thankful.

I am thankful for you.  You made me a Momma.  You taught me the meaning of Momma Love.  You taught me to laugh and dance and be crazy - even when people are watching.  You taught me to want nothing for myself and everything for someone else.  You taught me how to grieve and survive.  You taught me how to display grace even in my darkest moments.  You gave me a new world.

When people look at me and think, "Oh, she's so strong" or "Wow, she much be over the loss of her child" or "She must be medicated" I simply want to say - "No.  I am simply Peanut's Momma."

I've been reading "Guess How Much I Love You" to your brother.   When we get to the end I point to your picture and to the sky.  I'm pretty sure he gets it.  I'm pretty sure you feel the love we send your way each and every night.  How much love?  To the moon - and back!

- Momma

A photo fron right before Thanksgiving 2010.  See Peanut's "shiner?"  He got that right before Halloween trying to walk around our coffee table.

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